Suck It Sunday

I have not been this sick in years. I'm around people a lot more now so my chances of being infected are significantly higher. I got the flu shot for the first time this year and I am one of those crazies that now believe it is evil and I won't ever get one again. I was so looking forward to this season, my first at my new job, loving the fall, but things have kind of turned to shit. On top of all my personal problems, feeling sick just amplifies them. I slept yesterday from 10am to about 7am the next day. Today I've just been roaming from bed to couch to bed to couch, whining the whole time. I think of all the stuff I have to get done but every time I stand up I get dizzy and have the lay back down. That might have more to do with my "liberal intake" of cough medicine than my sickness but WHATEVER.

Think Twice

I don't know what possessed that sales lady to put her hand in my hair so she could tell me it was nice, but after her arm heals she'll think twice before doing THAT again.

Dreams of dangling pitt bulls danced in my head

So right this second, right this very moment, at 6:58 am on August 30th, I awoke from a dream where I had a pitt bull dangling from my elbow. That I was carrying around and asking who it belonged to.
From what I can remember as the dream is now fading, I was outside at some sort of market when this lady walking a light brown pitt bull said 'Oh god! Someone new! Hide her!' To which I immediately climbed a series of pipes (at an outdoor market no less!) and wrapped my arms and legs around those pipes like I was starring in a Mission Impossible movie. *For the record that particular move would be Mission Impossible since I barely have the upper body strength to pick up my cat since he's gotten so chubby.
So there I am dangling from pipes in an outdoor market when suddenly I turn and I am face to face with the light brown pitt bull. There are suddenly steps made of bales of hay under the pipes I am dangling from in the outdoor market. The dog looks nice and I think 'Awww, why was I dangli....' when the little fucker reaches out and latches onto my elbow.
NEXT THING YA KNOW, we are in what appears to be a fancy restaurant. The dog now dangling from my elbow isn't aggressive, Hell, it's not even heavy. I keep walking through asking EVERYONE if this is their dog and they all keep turning away. Finally I went up to some girl and said 'JUST YANK IT OFF!! I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES THE WHOLE ELBOW!'
She had to yank really hard and when she finally got the dangler off, my elbow had teeth marks all around it and I was bleeding! Badly! All I had in my purse was a receipt and I asked a waiter for a napkin and he yelled " AREN'T YOU GOING TO BUY ANYTHING FIRST?!?!"
Then I woke up to pee. The end. Well, I'm going to call my therapist, so certainly not the end of THIS little story.

Army Crawl

I wonder how many of you have army crawled to your window to shut it because you heard the neighbors kid and knew you lacked the self control to not lean out the window to tell that childs mother that the first time she has taken him out all summer should not be on a rainy day and PS meth-head, smoking under my open window is one thing but I wonder what child protective services will think of story hour on the swing set while mom's auditioning for the role of an after school special of how EXACTLY you don't want your life to turn out.

Random

I hate summer. I hate the heat and the bugs and the amount of skin that people feel the need to show. I hate the way people smell bad and stand too close. I hate how pissed off people get because they're hot.

I hate how I'm supposed to love summer. I live in New England and it's cold most of the year and people wait for summer like I wait for dinner to be over so I can ask for dessert. I try to stay inside with the A/C on and wait for fall. I wish I could love summer but all it does it make me uncomfortable. I love sweaters and scarves and hot tea. I love the feeling of cold air in my lungs. I'm going out to buy a patio set today that is on sale not to sit outside now, but in a few months when it's actually pleasant to be outside.

On sale?

Is this jacket on sale?

No, sorry, it's not.

But THIS jacket is on sale?

Yes, that one is.

But this one's not?

NO.

Well, I would buy this jacket but it's not on sale.

Ok.

Are you SURE it's not on sale?

Do you think I'm lying?

What?

Do YOU think I'm lying? That the jacket is on sale and I'm keeping it a secret?

You don't have to be so rude!

I'm not trying to be, but you're asking me over and over again if the same jacket is on sale. I was just trying to put an end to this ridiculous conversation. (ok, that was rude.)

Cashier Observations

I am so tired of seeing leathery, wrinkled cleavage of women buying cigarettes.

Someone has to do it

Sometimes it comes down to the fact that there is no one else to ring the register. So I do, because it's an amazingly appropriate use of my talents and salary. It's fine, and I say FINE like a 16 yr-old sorority brat picking up her new BMW and they don't have it in Cherry Red like she wanted, but it's FINE that they only have it in Flame Red. But her daddy will be calling in the morning.

Drunk

Sometimes I think I'm more selective about the product I put in my hair than the penis's I put in my mouth.

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Things I have had to apologize for lately--Volume 1

I'm sorry that I sighed a little when you told me you had the change for 88 cents and you started to count it out in pennies.

I'm so sorry YOU brought up the wrong item that isn't the one on sale. It's not like there are fucking sale signs or anything.

I'm sorry you are don't understand the concept of shutting the fuck up and PAY ATTENTION TO THE CUSTOMER IN FRONT OF YOU, but I am your new boss so you can suck it.

I'm sorry that I made you wait in your turn in line when you tried to cut and I saw and said SHE WAS NEXT. That was "extremely rude" of me.

I'm sorry that you passed along a customer service issue to me and when you criticized how I handled it I informed you if you pass shit on to me you don't have a say in what I do.

I'm sorry that same issue you passed along to me that you couldn't handle while the woman was screaming took me ten minutes to handle and we were laughing hysterically by the end of it and she was totally happy. That must be the part you don't agree with.

I'm sorry you are so offended that we had to verify who you were before we let you take home your medication. We totally suck.

I'm sorry that I can't give you anymore information about the $10 prepaid cell phone you are AGONIZING over whether or not to buy, but really, it's been like 45 minutes.

I am sorry I don't share the same hatred with you about THE MAN WHO HIRED ME, but trust me, there are plenty of other people I hate. Like you.

I'm sorry you are so smart and so intelligent that the only way you can make yourself feel like that is to try and make me feel like you are smarter and more intelligent than me.

I'm sorry you will never be successful at that.

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Reasons I hate my roommate, in no particular order

He never does his dishes right away.

He sneaks a load of laundry in whenever someone else is doing theirs.

He takes other peoples laundry out of the washer to put his in, then leaves for the weekend.

(I'm he does this in the hope that someone else will finish it for him.)

He has bought toilet paper and paper towels exactly ONCE since he moved in 9 months ago.

He has not cleaned the bathroom, common area, or kitchen floor since he moved in.

Whenever the other roommates or I make dinner we always offer some to everyone. Whenever HE makes dinner, he NEVER offers anyone anything.

He has a female "friend" that he's "hanging out with" and she comes over late and they get rip-roaring drunk and are loud all freaking night.

He and his "friend" take a shower together in the morning. BEFORE everyone else uses it.

He comes home tired from work and takes up the whole freaking living room.

He has the most amazing dog in the world that I am convinced is my soulmate and he is so jealous that he takes the dog with him to grocery store, so not to leave the dog with me.

He has no problem expecting me to let the dog out to do his business in the freezing winter but when the dog snuggles on the couch with me he looks at me with such hate I recoil.

He YELLS at the dog, calling him a fucking idiot, because the dog doesn't want to be around his angry energy.

His room smells bad.

I hate his face.

Valentine's Day

It was so amazing to have lines of men stretched out into the aisles in front of every register clutching cards and boxes of chocolates and teddy bears to prove to their women that they DID NOT FORGET VALENTINE'S DAY.