Van Gogh

This is my favorite painting. I was lucky enough to see it when I went to New York. I am going again on Wednesday, two days after moving in the middle of the Christmas shopping season.
GO STRESS!

Thinking

It's nice to have someone call you just to see if you are ok.

You know who you are and thank you. Really. Thank you.

Family Silence

So here it is, the night before Thanksgiving, and my mother has just told me to get away from her. My relationship with my mother is too complicated to explain in one sitting, but there is this history of me giving everything that I can, and when I want to do something for myself, I am considered selfish. Which really begs the question....When does looking out for you best interest become "You are being selfish?" Are they really one in the same?

I think about this a lot. Because I get the insult 'selfish' hurled at me a lot by my mother. Usually when I am doing something that negatively affects her. If I have a laptop that I want to replace because it no longer functions as well as it should, I am selfish to spend money on that when she needs money. When I say that I am going to sell old laptop to make up difference for new laptop, now I am not to sell the laptop because she will use computer. I am going to move out because I am unhappy, and I am selfish for telling her I am going to sell MY laptop. You say that you spent all this time fixing the laptop, and I should not be selfish and think of YOU-which as a by product means that I am neglecting myself- doesn't that make you selfish? The very thing you are accusing me of being?

The problem with being introverted people is that you walk around a house that is FILLED with tension. Everyone is on edge and we go on talking about small things- "Have you talked to your sister? I made coffee. Let me tell you what happened at work today." - when brewing under the surface is everything that we don't say and when that seal is finally broken, it's been so long since you've said anything, that the things you are saying don't seem to relate.

I am not moving out because of a dog. I am moving out because of the way you told me that I could not have a dog. TOLD ME. Like I don't pay money to live here, like you haven't leaned on me in the past, like I am not someone that has picked you up off the floor when you were upset. I am moving out because this is the way it always it with us. If there is something that is good for me and perhaps mildly inconvenient for you, I am selfish for wanting it.

I have spent years loving you, worshipping the person you are, wishing that I could be good enough for you to love me back. I saw these bad sides of you that made me hate you, and you could, in an instant, make me feel like shit for even having the thought that you weren't perfect. You have manipulated me in so many ways it's unimaginable that I am functioning. But you will never see it that way. I keep everything inside of me, I talk more to my therapist than I do to you. Because there are things that you will not let me say, things that you do not want to hear. Because if I tell you the things that make me imperfect, you will take it as a reflection on you. And if you won't let me tell you these things? Doesn't that make you selfish?

Penguin Rock

My friends don't think I'm cool enough to rock this penguin set in my new bathroom.




Complete with trash can.




I think I need new friends.

Eavesdropping

Overheard just this minute at a Panera in Nashua, NH:

"Well you know some guy ZA-WAN-SEY is not going to be the guy for you so why do you keep emailing him?"

I almost spit my coffee all over my screen.

THAT woman

When you work in retail you get used to people watching and watching their behavior is the most fasinating. Like THAT woman that comes into the store on average 3 times a week and tries on ARMLOADS of clothes, out of which she will usually purchase the 3 cheapest things she tried on claiming "These are the only things that I could get to fit me." Really? Cause when they were full price you said you hated them, huh. She dresses up with the jewels and the hair done and flashed the VERY LONG FINGERNAILS and emits an odor of perfume so strong it barely masks her desperation. She leaves the fitting room in tatters, is incredibly rude, and returns most of what she buys. I think maybe she HAD money and maybe doesn't anymore. I would be sympathetic but in order to make herself feel better she comes into the store to treat other people like shit. It gives her some knd of rush. I understand the women that come into the store and try things on that they maybe can't afford to buy. They lust after them, wait for them to go on sale, and ARE SO DAMN HAPPY when they finally get them for a bargain.

But those people are happy. And nice. They admit that something is too expensive. THAT woman tears down the clothes and the store and the staff and ends up buying the jacket anyway when it hits $14.99. I can't stand her attitude. She buys and returns like it's an Olympic sport and she is reaching for the gold. And the ENTITLMENT. As I mentioned before, she is in the store three times a week, yet she will hold onto an item until the return by date has come and gone. And then throws a hissy fit (and by hissy I mean HHHIIIISSSSYYYY fit) about "I am a great customer, why don't you make an exception, I want to talk to the manager, I am so unhappy, I spend so much money here, Blah, Blah, Blah" We have this awesome tracking system at work that calculates the purchases and returns and total net spending by each customer. This is used to determine if someone actually is a good customer. And when I pull up your history and I see that in the past year you have purchsed $1,600 from us BUT! have returned $1,530, you are NOT considered a good customer. We are just a place for you to work out the psychological bullshit you have about your lifestyle.

So when I point out that you have returned almost everything you have ever bought and that you have been in the store 17 times since you made that purchase and you had every opportunity to bring it back and I can not make an exception for you, I hope you know that if you were just the tiniest bit humble, I probably would have helped you. But since you are such a cunt, I won't.

Librarian Glasses

These are my current glasses. My friend D. says they look like glasses a porn star would wear in a librarian scene. I have new ones on order.

Flushing Kittens?

Please note that sign says do not throw 'anything' down the toliet except toliet paper. Do you think people were throwing weird things down there? Like kittens?

New Apartment

I am moving 8 days. I have lived on my own before (twice) and with boyfriends (twice) but this is the first time I am stepping out simply because I want to. I have so many things to say but am feeling so stressed.

Again with the audacity?

I am in a store looking into a jewelry case. I am maybe 12 inches from it. You come along and jam your fat body between me and the jewelry case that I was clearly looking into. When I say 'Excuse me, but I was just looking in there.' To draw attention to the fact that the woman just cut me off, she replies, 'You don't own it.'

At this point the gloves are going to come off. Really? Are you honestly surprised when I tell you to move you fat fucking ass before I do? Do you really think that you are exempt from acting like a human being? And that when someone is rude right back to you, you think you have the right to be appalled?

This is why I should never leave my house.

New Hair

So this is my old hair.






And this is my new hair.



When I cut my hair this morning I was totally happy. Seeing that massive amount of hair sitting on the ground was a big relief. I had forced myself to let it grow out past my shoulders and I did. When I got in the shower and it took half the time because I wasn't washing that horse's mane I called hair. I used 1/4 of the styling products I normally used to tame that beast and it only took 5 minutes to blow dry. (With the long hair? 25 min to be completely dry and never mind the styling part that comes after it is dry.) Every time I have caught a glimpse of myself I was happy.

Until I went to post my old pic did I have moment of uncertainty. I thought "Oh my god, I can't believe I didn't cut it for almost a year and just sheared it all off." But then I thought about what I was thinking when I took that other picture. My hair was frizzy from not being dried properly. I hadn't styled my bangs correctly so I had them slapped back with some bobby pins. Plus my hair was heavy and brittle from all the blow drying. And then I feel my new haircut and sigh that I am still happy with my hair.

Now that winter is almost here I will not have to get up an extra 2 hours early. (One for removing the fucking snow from my car and another to get my hair dry and styled. You can get away with wet head in summer; winter in New England? Not so much) Maybe my headaches won't be so bad if I don't have 10 pounds of hair pulling at the roots. Maybe I'll take better care of it now.

Haircut

So I do this all the time. I want my hair to grow and let it for as long as I can stand it and then chop it all off.

This time, I did let my hair grow as long as I wanted it. And......I hate it. It looks nice sometimes. But most of the time I am pissed off that it takes so much time to blow dry and products to get it to lay even remotely the way I envisioned it. So I end up throwing it into a ponytail with clips keeping every strand off my face. Not so hot.

T-minus 10 minutes till short hair is back in style!

Being Nice? Not For Me.

We were having this conversation at work about how being nice is not really part of my natural personality. I can be nice, it just takes a lot out of me. And usually when I am nice it is totally unrewarded and the person on the receiving end of my niceness acts like a DOUCHE BAG of the highest order and I want to be all, "Hey, you have no idea how much effort it is taking me not to snap your neck, how bout some fucking gratitude before I flip the switch and make you cry?"

Which then confirms for me that I am correct, that it's not worth fighting my nature and acting nice because when I am people (try to) walk all over me, acting all mean and I think "Why is it OK for YOU to act mean and I have to just accept it but when I am mean and someone gets their feeeelings hurt there has to be a whole discussion about how I hurt their precious feelings?"

When someone comes up to you and gives you attitude your natural instinct is to give that attitude right back to them. That person will in turn, get all high and mighty and proclaim "Don't you talk to me like that!" Like they are so much better than you that they can take a shit all over you and you just have to smile. In my ten year retail career I have participated in some extensive training for that exact problem; training your personality against it's natural instinct to defend itself and be able to take shit with a smile.

So I am pretty good at fighting my instinct when someone is rude to me not to call them a condescending cunt and get out of my store right now before I put my whole fist up your ass to teach you a lesson. But when someone is rude to someone that works for me (God help them if I actually like that person) I will jump all over their shit before they even realize I was eavesdropping on their conversation.

I love the feeling I get when I can put someone who is being an asshole in their place. It is especially rewarding for me when someone bases their whole self-worth of on making other people feel like shit. My defense against people like that is to use LOGIC. Something these people lack in spades.

Her "Why haven't you gotten that schedule to me?"

Me "I did send it to you. At 3:46pm. I have the confirmation."

Her "Well, you didn't complete the schedule the way I wanted."

Me "How do you know I didn't complete it the way you wanted? 10 seconds ago you didn't even think I sent it?"

Her "I need that schedule now! I don't care what else you have going on; get me that schedule NOW."
(Please note at this point the balance of power is shifting. She went right back to 'not having the schedule' skipping over the whole confirmation. We just won't acknowledge that she admitted that she had the schedule and it was 'wrong')

Me "I'm busy with someone. I'll resend that schedule when I'm done."

Her "I need it NOW!"

Me "A lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

Her (Stunned silence)

Her (Continued stunned silence)

Me "Take a look at the one I sent and then you can tell me specifically what is wrong with it."

**Click!**

I win.

Oh, yeah....

The previous post? That was me figuring out how to "mobile blog."

And those are my toe socks with the monkeys on them. Please note the bananas on each toe.

Testing

That Looks Nothing Like The Picture

So I was at the grocery store this morning before work. I am working alone 9-5:30 and wanted to have some options for lunch. While paroosing the frozen food section for the Stouffer's Panini sandwiches that are AWESOME! I notice a Spinach Souffle and it looks amazing. Especially for someone who loves spinach products as much as I do. (Seriously. Spinach pizza, spanakopita (from Trader Joe's) spinach dip, I'm game) So I grab it.

I mean...Does this NOT look good?

But this is what what my souffle looked like once cooked.

I mean....Really? My expectations weren't terribly high but come on.

I used to love you Stouffers. Now? Not so much.

Applications

Yeah, so, these are just some tips from me to you.

If you are coming in to apply for a job at almost any retailer:

A. Do not walk in with a fist full of applications. It sends the message that you are just looking to work anywhere and that you will take whatever you can get. I have NEVER called anyone for an interview that walked in with another store's application.

B. Brush your fucking hair.

THAT guy

I know that you think you are coming across as all superior and masculine like when you bark at the 16 yr old cashier "So you guys don't have mirrors in this store for when people try stuff on? They are supposed to guess what something looks like?"

And when that cashier responds " Yeah, except for the one right behind you."

You can't really get mad at me for laughing out loud at you for being such a dick.

Drive Me Crazy

Everyday at work I encounter SOMEONE that is bound to annoy me. But some days, there is such an overwhelming amount of stupid wandering around my store that I feel the need to detail it.

Your Children. I know that people will say that I will understand when I have kids how hard it is. But YOU have the children and I am not your babysitter. Watch your monkey child. Please don't even try to tell me that you do not see them running from rack to rack TOUCHING EVERYTHING. See how neat the racks look? See how they no longer look like that? That was your kid. There is no one else here. Even as a non-child-haver I can't believe that when you walk into a store you lose all your parental control.

Also? If they had a lollipop? And now they don't? You should wonder where it ended up. Because the bottom of my shoe or the counter top is NOT the place for it. And if you have a child in a stroller and they are eating? And you run over whatever they are eating with said stroller? Do you have any idea how fucking rude it is not to mention it? Like "Hey sorry bout that, didn't mean too." I am understanding. But when you run food over and act like you are fucking entitled to run food over and I should be just THRILLED to clean it up since you are spending $9.99 on a shirt? Blow me.

Oh, and your teenage daughter with you? Teach her to cover her fucking mouth when she coughs. Really? She is doing this open-mouth HACK all over the store. On fixtures that people touch, who will then get sick, and I will get sick. So where are YOUR manners? She has been standing next to you for an hour hacking all over the place. Is it really not bothering you either?

On the flip side, I know that parents ignore their children while shopping as some sort of coping mechanism. But I can not block out your child. And that chorus of Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom! Mom! Mom! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOOOM! MMOOOOMMMMM!!!!!! I can't block that out. Neither can other shoppers. Your child is annoying. Please acknowledge it. Your child does not understand at 7 years old why Mom "Needs to do something for myself today for the love of GOD!" Don't call them selfish for not understanding. YOU are selfish for dragging a 7 yr old boy to a women's clothing store where there is NOTHING to do. Please note: Things to do do NOT include smearing his face all over the mirror I just cleaned or pulling all the grippers off the hangers. This is not a toy store. Or your home.

Seriously, tell her to cover her fucking mouth before I do. I guarantee that it will not be as pleasant coming from me.

Ask me 17 times what the sale price of something is. Is there a language barrier going on here? Do I speak with an accent or stutter? Cause really, the signs aren't written in Italian. You can quadruple check for yourself. Aren't you embarrassed? Or do you think I am lying?

Come behind the counter like you work here. Really? Do you work here? I am the manager and I don't remember your application. Who the FUCK do you think you are? AND! If you open the closet doors do not be surprised when I slam it shut and direct you back to the other side of the counter. Why do you people act like I am the one being rude? It BAFFLES ME.

Leave clothes all over the floor in the dressing room? With your empty coffee cup sitting on the stool? Do you expect me to believe that you really "forgot it" when I bring it out of the dressing room and point it out to everyone in the store? I don't think so.

Just so you all know, I would be spitting in your drinks if I was a waitress. Consider yourself lucky.

My Psychologist Says

That my negativity censor is turned up WAY TOO HIGH.

Therapy Sessions

When you are talking about your love life in therapy and you say you didn't sleep with a friend of yours and your psychologist says that he is surprised, it can catch you off guard.

Me "Why are you surprised?"

Him "Well, um, you, uh, in the past haven't exactly been, um..... strict with your boundaries when it comes to sex."

Me "I think that was a professional way of calling me a whore."

Closing Days

I don't have to get out of bed for another hour.

Says a lot about me

I've spent the entire day yesterday watching MTV's TruLife. I usually despise reality TV and don't watch it. But I spent the day in bed reading and napping off and on and got sucked into the drama. It's this show that features 2 different people from different parts of the country and it films them dealing with serious issues such as compulsive spending, anxiety disorders, and drinking. It features heartfelt interviews with friends and family that detail how their disorders are destroying their lives. During the hour long show these individuals cry while continuing their downward spiral. They usually end with these people making weepy promises that will continue their therapy, change their life for the better, and move forward.

The end of each segment has a fade-to-black moment where there is then text on the screen informing us of each persons progress. My favorite part is when you read the text and it goes something like "Susie has made no progress is reducing her debt and continues to compulsively shop and refuses to see her therapist."

Mind Games

My psychologist has this weird "habit" if you will. He takes his shoes off and on throughout the entire session. He'll even stretch his legs out and dangle his shoes off his toes. While he does this I have to fight the urge to tear them off his feet and throw them out into the waiting room.

I have mentioned how much this bothers me and distracting it is. He swears that he doesn't even notice he does it. I have my doubts. My friend recommended my psychologist so we see the same one and compare sessions all the time. I mention that my blood pressure goes up every time he reaches for his shoes and I'm not focusing on the issues at hand. She mentions that he does not do that in her sessions.

Interesting.

Not to be outdone, I set out planning my next session for the trap. He's talking away and doing his shoe thing, this time doing extra-stretchy shoe lifts to the point where they are almost touching my knees. I force myself to keep eye contact and not mention the shoe habit. About 3/4 of the way through, he casually mentions, "Hey, I've been taking my shoes off and on and you haven't noticed." To which of course I exclaim, "HA! I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T HELP IT!!!! I KNEW YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE TO FUCK WITH ME! NOW PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

We go back and forth about the shoe habit/his listening skills until it finally dawns on him that I baited him and he fell for it. Which is so much more gratifying than....I don't know. Talking about my feeeeeeelings.

More NYC

Egyptian Room with HUGE windows.


Building thru the windows.

This was also taken at the MET and I found the room so overwhelming I had to sit down. You could look out the windows and see people playing catch or just laying in the sun reading. And if you looked through the trees, you could see people running the NYC Marathon.

Necessities

While riding with a co-worker to the bank.

Her "My husband is having kittens."

Me "That must be interesting."

Her "Over the state of my car. He says it's too messy and I should be embarrassed by it. He says 'Do you live out of your car?' And I try to tell him that I NEED the stuff that I have in here everyday. I don't know why he doesn't understand."

Me "You do have a crock-pot in the backseat."

New York City

This past weekend I was in NYC. I only had a day and I decided to spend it at the MET. Last time I went to NYC I asked my step-father for a recommendation on which museum I should visit. I have a slight (huge) obsession with ancient Egyptian culture and wanted to know what he thought since he was born and raised and New York. He recommended the Museum of Natural History. Which, those of you have been there, does NOT have an ancient Egyptian display.

Needless to say I was VERY disappointed. So I researched ahead of time and was on my way. I was meeting a friend later on that day so I had to navigate by myself. So I take the train from LI to Penn station. Subway to 81st St. And there apparently there is a cross-town bus that will take you right to the museum. But it wasn't running. Because the NYC marathon was happening that day. FUCK.

Luckily, where you get off the train is right in front of the park. The cop was the one that explained that the buses weren't running. BUT! I could cut through Central Park and it would be 2 blocks on my left.

View walking thru the park!!

Therapy Session

If you've ever spent time in therapy, sometimes it can feel like a waste of time. You go for session after session, feeling like you don't really accomplish anything. Then one day, you find yourself applying things that you learned in therapy in your everyday life.

Today was one of those days. And it felt amazing.

The First Post

So this is my first post to my new blog. I had another one that was "Confessions of a Retail Store Manager" but A. It was REALLY long and B. It limited the things I could bitch about. You know, who wants to hear about the random things I did in New York or how I almost got into a fist fight at the coffee counter when someone thought they could cut me off. Sure, those are all ANNOYING things, but nothing to do with retail. Especially since the previous title makes it sounds like I would be giving tips on how to get around store policies and rip off stores, when it was actually a place for me to vent about how much I hated the people that come into my store on a daily basis and try to walk all over me. (Please note: try) Like when a lady that had called the store the day before to verify the return policy came in the next day and claimed she didn't know the return policy. (For future reference, if you are going to attempt this, don't give the person on the phone your name, where you live, and how long it takes you to get to the store and then REPEAT ALL THOSE THINGS IN THE STORE AS AN EXCUSE FOR WHY YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE POLICY. Employees talk, and yes, we remember you.)

So there will still be bitching about my work. What fun would this be without it? But you will get to hear equally funny stories about how I struggle to not kick all the people I encounter on a daily basis that drive me totally insane.