My Crazy Friend D

I inform D that I am going to get my hair dyed for the 3rd time in as many days. (Another post about that trauma later) D informs me that he got summoned for jury duty. D, being the punk that he is, says that he would LOVE to get on a jury. I tell him that I have to go. Below details how D's twisted little mind works when he is left to think about the havoc he could wreak on a courtroom. (All in text message form, from D to me) Please note the time in between each text, indicating that D got NO WORK DONE while at work.
Update: If you know D at all, you really have to get the mental image of him in the actual courtroom, and how this is all entirely possible.

9:53:45 am: Would juror #5 please stop laughing at testimony.

9:54:29 am: Would juror #5 please stop getting drunk at lunch.

9:59:07 am: Juror #5 "Kiss my ass"

9:59:23 am: Would juror #5 please put his pants back on.

10:06:55 am: "Juror #5, the point of the testimony isn't to get you off. Please stop stroking your big beautiful cock."

10:13:59 am: "Juror #5, your duties stop at deciding guilt or innocence. Please stop trying to electrocute defendant."

10:24:33 am: "Would juror #5 please stop staring at EVERYONE'S tits"

10:28:35 am: "Juror #5, please stop whistling Jimmy Crack Corn and at least pretend to be paying attention."

10:30:58 am: Juror #5? Has anyone seen juror #5?

10:33:28 am: "Juror #5, please refrain from humping lady liberty moving forward. She's blind for fuck's sake!"

10:36:46 am: "Juror #5, really? No one else brought their dog with them. And your dog is humping lady liberty."

10:43:25 am: Juror#5 "GUILTY!" Judge, "The question was, what do you want for lunch?"

10:45:43 am: "Juror #5, that's a jury box, not a litter box. Please stop pissing in there."

10:49:23 am: "Juror#5, if you had disclosed your mental retardation at the beginning of this trial you would have been excused."

10:50:48 am: "Juror#5 it's been brought to my attention that you're disagreeing with other jurors just to amuse yourself. That's just wrong."

10:54:04 am: "Juror #5, "whore" and "dumb bitch" are NOT appropriate ways to address the defense attorney."

10:55:46 am: "CROTCHBUTTER does not constitute a verdict. In fact I'm not certain it's a real word."

10:59:06 am: "To answer your question #5: NO we aren't there yet and asking every 5 minutes doesn't help.

11:03:00 am: "#5, an innocent verdict does not guarantee you a date with the stripper/defendant.

11:04:46 am: "#5, are you really eating popcorn while listening to a rape testimony?"

11:05:36 am: "That does help to explain the butter on the front of your pants."

11:08:16 am: "Stabbing yourself in the eye with a spoon isn't going to speed things along either, #5."

11:09:48 am: Judge: "Are you drunk again?" Juror #5: "No, still."

11:14:56 am: "#5 that is in fact not an appropriate gesture. Thanks for asking."

11:18:46 am: "#5, this is a legal forum, not a Penthouse forum. Please remove the prostitute from your lap."

11:24:03 am: "#5, the other jurors have requested I give you gas-x and to inform you that bodily functions are NOT funny despite what you think."

11:33:34 am: "#5, playing keep away with the bailiff's gun is an acceptable way to pass time."

11:36:51 am: "#5, humming the theme song from Night Court isn't as helpful as you think."

11:43:49 am: "#5, HUNG jury is not what you think it is!"

11:50:03 am: Judge, "Chanting #5 is #1 is not true or funny."