To Tweet? Or not to Tweet?

While a Gatecitytwittermeetup (my first ever), there was a discussion about how people are concerned that their professional lives could be compromised if their online identity was found by people that they work with. Or better yet, are currently followed by people that they work with, and the repercussions that could follow. There is that danger, that you could be placed in an uncomfortable position when either your supervisor or employee may read something you posted. Maybe it's about them? Or just a different side that you don't show to people that you work with. Could it compromise your integrity?

I really started to think about it because I thought about my own behavior at the party. I acted truly like myself. I didn't censor, rethink, or over analyze. I just was. And I had more fun at that party with people I had never met. Which is a very different feeling for me. I was so nervous that they wouldn't like me. But I made the decision to go and to be myself and you know what? It was amazing. Truly, people that I had never met me before, welcomed me into their home,talked, laughed, and ENJOYED my company (seemed to anyway:). With no ulterior motive. These people are just people that are putting out real thoughts and ideas and being creative and funny and frustrated and baring emotions on a level that I couldn't even imagine doing 6 months ago. And I love it. I love that Twitter and my blog are places that I can just be me. And I read in so many places from so many people that we can be so terrified to write things that our families or friends might see. (I said the same thing about Facebook when I found out my friend's mom is now my friend) But why is that? Doesn't anyone think it's odd that we would hide our true feelings from the people that we know the most? Should the things we are writing be a complete shock to those we spend most of our time with? Or have we all been conditioned that there is a certain way to behave and that the only place that we have the freedom to be ourselves is the Internet? And that we want to keep THOSE people separate from THESE people. I am no stranger to this feeling.

I have spent the past 26 years of my life trying to fit into a mold to please other people. And I was miserable. The real me would make guest appearances; blurting out inappropriate things and LOUDLY voicing my opinion, but would then get shamed into getting back in line. Well... FUCK THAT. I realized the people that needed me to fit into a certain mold are no longer in my life. And the biggest person that I gave up? My mom. And people have strong opinions about mothers and daughters and forgiveness and what not, and there was the fear that I shouldn't write about the issues and current state of affaris with my mother. But that wouldn't be honest. The way I gave my mother up? Wasn't even really me giving her up. She gave me up. BOOM. DONE. She's damaging, always has been. I was myself. I stood up for myself and did what I needed to do to take care of me. And my mother? The person that is supposed to be there through thick and thin? Through hell and high water? Dumped me. Told me that she doesn't want to see me. Because I wouldn't do exactly as she told. It is obviously more complicated than that, but the point is, my mother, told me that she doesn't want to see me anymore for not falling in line. And you know what? I've made peace with that.

Bottom line is that (and this might sound VERY strange) I have finally found a way to be. It took going to this one little meet up party to get over the hump of "Oh my god, I have made a mistake. I must reform to the mold!" to the much more pleasant side of "I TOTALLY made the right decision to be me." It took taking a chance, going to a party where I was going to know NO ONE. I had talked to one person through Twitter direct message. But I went. Because I knew the things that I posted were ME and that if someone was going to invite me because they liked the things I wrote, then that was the greatest thing ever. Because really? There were no expectations. They hadn't met me through work and were then shocked when we went out that I can drink too much and laugh too loud and TALK. A LOT. And you know what? I had FUN. It was weird to talk about the next day because the reaction from people I know that I went to a party with people I met "online" and had never met to them was, well...unbelievable. And maybe that's something that I need to change.

I can completely appreciate wanting to keep personal and professional separate. I set up my friend's blog for him under a new email address so that he wouldn't ever have to worry about work finding it. I think that everyone needs to make it work for them Some people have careers and families and credibility that could be affected by the things they write online. All I know is what works for me right now is to write this website and my tweets like no one reads them but me.

Family Silence

So here it is, the night before Thanksgiving, and my mother has just told me to get away from her. My relationship with my mother is too complicated to explain in one sitting, but there is this history of me giving everything that I can, and when I want to do something for myself, I am considered selfish. Which really begs the question....When does looking out for you best interest become "You are being selfish?" Are they really one in the same?

I think about this a lot. Because I get the insult 'selfish' hurled at me a lot by my mother. Usually when I am doing something that negatively affects her. If I have a laptop that I want to replace because it no longer functions as well as it should, I am selfish to spend money on that when she needs money. When I say that I am going to sell old laptop to make up difference for new laptop, now I am not to sell the laptop because she will use computer. I am going to move out because I am unhappy, and I am selfish for telling her I am going to sell MY laptop. You say that you spent all this time fixing the laptop, and I should not be selfish and think of YOU-which as a by product means that I am neglecting myself- doesn't that make you selfish? The very thing you are accusing me of being?

The problem with being introverted people is that you walk around a house that is FILLED with tension. Everyone is on edge and we go on talking about small things- "Have you talked to your sister? I made coffee. Let me tell you what happened at work today." - when brewing under the surface is everything that we don't say and when that seal is finally broken, it's been so long since you've said anything, that the things you are saying don't seem to relate.

I am not moving out because of a dog. I am moving out because of the way you told me that I could not have a dog. TOLD ME. Like I don't pay money to live here, like you haven't leaned on me in the past, like I am not someone that has picked you up off the floor when you were upset. I am moving out because this is the way it always it with us. If there is something that is good for me and perhaps mildly inconvenient for you, I am selfish for wanting it.

I have spent years loving you, worshipping the person you are, wishing that I could be good enough for you to love me back. I saw these bad sides of you that made me hate you, and you could, in an instant, make me feel like shit for even having the thought that you weren't perfect. You have manipulated me in so many ways it's unimaginable that I am functioning. But you will never see it that way. I keep everything inside of me, I talk more to my therapist than I do to you. Because there are things that you will not let me say, things that you do not want to hear. Because if I tell you the things that make me imperfect, you will take it as a reflection on you. And if you won't let me tell you these things? Doesn't that make you selfish?