My options for fun tonight, my God, they are ENDLESS

When I leave work tonight I have a number of appealing options and can't just decided what to do:

• Tape walls in dining room so I can paint the trim since I finally finished painting the walls Sunday.
• Buy carpet/upholstery cleaner on the way home so I can clean the furniture on my porch so I can enjoy it already.
• Move the dining room table from the porch to the dining room.
• Take the painters tape off the walls in my bedroom. (Pathetic since that room has been painted for MONTHS now and is the only room that I hang out in so it really should be done by now since I stare at it everyday.)
• Rearrange the kitchen, AGAIN.

What I will more than likely do when I get out of work:

• Go next door and watch TV with Bert.

Should I Travel To Tyngsboro Everytime?

I always wonder why the girl at Pearl Vision gives me such a hard time when I go to get my glasses adjusted? She without fail will say something along the lines of 'Oh, did you BUY these here?' And I say no, at the Pearl Vision in Tyngsboro. Or she'll ask 'Why EXCATLY do you need these adjusted?' I'll take them off and show how the arms wiggly violently from side to side. Then she'll do a full body sigh and make click, click, click something in the computer. The guy that adjusts them for me never says anything other than 'Sure.' I'm not angry about it. (surprisingly enough) I guess I just really wonder why she takes it so personally and seems REALLY put out. Especially since she was the one that brought around the flyer that says: Come in for free eyeglass adjustments! I mean, I did buy them at Pearl Vision, even if it wasn't that specific one. I know how annoying it feels when someone
buys something at one store and then returns it at yours, but there was a flyer! For adjustments! For everyone! And if the adjustments are free for everyone then what's the big deal? It's not like I go in and hog up her time. I work in the same mall so if they are busy, I'll go back later. I'm (obviously) sensitive to how people act rudely and without consideration when they come into my store so I try to keep my own behavior in check. I just can't figure out what I'm doing that is so offensive?

Strange.

Listen HONEY

You might think being 80 years old entitles you say 'Listen HONEY' like a pimp might say 'Listen HO' to a HO that owes him his cut, but I am here to tell you right now I will kick that walker right out from underneath you.

Dear American Express Gift Card Customer Service Guy

Please don't tell me to call back in "approximately one half hour because systems are down and can not access any information at this time" and then in the next breath ask if there is anything else you can help me with.

When my only response is "OH! I'm sorry!!! WAS there actually something you can help me with???" You should consider yourself really fucking lucky I'm at work.

Another work post

The customer says that she bought some of our classic tees that we always carry and that she was really disappointed that they shrunk in the wash so she was hesitant to buy any more. I agreed that was odd because they shouldn't shrink and that was odd and if she bought new ones she should be fine because them shrinking was ODD.

Then I felt the need to add, "Well, they won't shrink as long as you don't wash them in boiling hot water and set the dryer SUPER HIGH. Can you believe some people do that and are surprised when they shrink?" Which, by the look on her face, was exactly what she did.

Mystery? Solved.

The post where I have not posted for months and when I do it's a rant about work

Sometimes I feel the need to validate decisions I make at work. Like the woman that almost teared up in anger and complete disbelief when the shirt she tried to return with no receipt that was $10 less than what she CLAIMS she paid for it. People always claim they paid more than the sale price that comes up and are consistently proven wrong when they "find" their receipt later. Usually, to be offered up with an explanation that "Oh, I guess I was thinking about another shirt!" Except for that one magical time I pulled up a customers account because she was SO that type of bitch that would call and write letters until she got her way and she had actually paid LESS than what the computer pulled up as the lowest price and then I remembered why I actually looked up her account. She WAS that bitch that pitched a fit to use a coupon with a sale item EVEN THOUGH THE COUPON CLEARLY STATED THAT IT COULD NOT BE USED WITH A SALE ITEM. It was one of the most satisfying moments in my working life to inform her bitchy face that SHE WAS RIGHT! She DIDN'T PAY $19.98! SHE PAID $9.98! SO SUCK ON IT! BET YOU WISH YOU HAD TAKEN THE $19.98 NOW DIDN'T YA???

This is standard practice in retail, especially in clothing retail so I never really understand where the shock and surprise comes from. This woman doesn't really argue so much as she just stands there looking out into the mall and utters over and over again that she can't believe that I won't return it for what she (CLAIMS SHE) paid.

Much to her and most of my customers dismay, I am not stirred by the emotional breakdowns that people have in my store caused by their own stupidity. (Other examples include the over 60 day returns where I am supposed to 'make an exception' for the very compelling reason that they want me to. Or, I accidentally washed this with bleach so I want to exchange it for another one.) My usual tactic is to remain calm, almost stoic, as they make their plea, or get angry and make threats. Because after 10 years? It's really the best thing you can do. I still get emotionally charged after they leave, but I have found that getting angry and defensive along with them really gives them that much more ammunition if they try to go further up the ladder to do a return. The time that I lept over the counter when a customer called me a cunt and the other time when a mother turned to her daughter after speaking to me and said "can you say ignorant, honey?" and my response was "can you say BITCH, honey?" Both times the customers got their returns.

So as this woman is going on and on and providing me with imaginary evidence that she did pay full price (I say imaginary because her response when I said I would need a receipt to prove what she paid and she held out the tag to the the shirt that she was returning and said "I paid this price!" Um, not exactly what I was looking for. She then switched gears and went with the traditional rant of "This is my favorite store and I love this store and I come here all the time and I can't believe YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME." Because I think the real important part here is that she truly believes that I AM DOING THIS TO HER. I made the policy and if only someone else nicer came in, she would get her money back.

With a calm face and a calm voice I keep repeating sentences of the same variety. "If you think you paid more, you can certainly take you shirt back and look for your receipt." "Without your receipt, this is the price that you will refunded." She even busted out with "Well, is your return policy POSTED?" Yes, it certainly is. On the receipt. She finally caves and said that she has been looking and looking for the receipt for WEEKS and she just can't find it so she "will take the return but now that I know what kind of store this is, I WON'T BE BACK." Yeah, you are getting a store credit so good luck with that.

So she leaves and I'm here feeling all kinds of angry that people take out their shit on sales people when it's THEIR DUMB ASS FAULT they lost their receipt or didn't come back into the store in time to do their return. And I start to think that if I just gave people what they wanted and didn't argue with them maybe I wouldn't be as pent up and stressed out. Maybe it's not worth the argument? Maybe I shouldn't be self-righteous with my sense of what's right and wrong? What do I give a shit if the customer gets a free $10? Even though on a logical level I know that it's bad for business to let customers have free rein and if EVERYONE got a free $10 then it would add up to a huge loss, but after interactions like that I have to wonder if it's worth it for my mental stability.

So I'm starting to doubt how I run my store and my general sense of self and how I deal with things. I pull up the customers account and it takes all of one minute to right everything in my world. Because? Not only did that customer only purchase her top less than two weeks ago, but it was the ONLY purchase that she has made in the past 12 months. (Remember the "I come here all the time" line she fed me? Clearly she forgot to include the "I come here all the time but I never buy anything" part of her story.) And not only that, but she paid EXACTLY WHAT SHE GOT REFUNDED.

I win.

More fun at work!

Did I tell you about the great incentive going on? The District Managers are having a contest and the winner gets to go on a trip. Now, it's obviously based on store performance but there is no reward for the people at the actual store level. So what's the motivation we are receiving from our DM? 'Do better so I can go on this trip!' Does anyone else see a problem with that???

I don't mean any offense...

Was just told by co-worker that one of the sweet little old ladies that works for me is freaked out by how much I swear. And that she thinks I am a lovely girl but the language that I use can make her so uncomfortable.

My response? "So you are saying that when she comes in I should drop the most foul-mouthed disgusting language you ever heard?"

Co-worker, "Where in your twisted mind did you loop around to that?"

What?

Therapy

Do you think it's detrimental to my therapy if during a painful session where I am having a hard time and my therapist confides that he cries a lot and I yell 'Well you're a freaking pansy! Maybe you should work on reigning that shit in!'

Musings

Going on and on and on that a sweater would be perfect if it didn't have a hood for half an hour is the perfect way to get my to scream, "Well I can't make it without the fucking hood so MOVE ON!'

FAIL

The dryer in my building sucks. I have mentioned this before. In order to avoid taking a hostage after I've paid a fucking machine to dry my clothes and IT DOESN'T, I usually go to the laundry mat. Sometimes you just need a quick load though, am I right? So I will use the washing machine but hang dry my clothes. I will usually end up hanging my clothes all around my apt and when I walk in from work I am always momentarily stunned by the fact that 2 pairs of pants can cover my whole fucking window.

To Tweet? Or not to Tweet?

While a Gatecitytwittermeetup (my first ever), there was a discussion about how people are concerned that their professional lives could be compromised if their online identity was found by people that they work with. Or better yet, are currently followed by people that they work with, and the repercussions that could follow. There is that danger, that you could be placed in an uncomfortable position when either your supervisor or employee may read something you posted. Maybe it's about them? Or just a different side that you don't show to people that you work with. Could it compromise your integrity?

I really started to think about it because I thought about my own behavior at the party. I acted truly like myself. I didn't censor, rethink, or over analyze. I just was. And I had more fun at that party with people I had never met. Which is a very different feeling for me. I was so nervous that they wouldn't like me. But I made the decision to go and to be myself and you know what? It was amazing. Truly, people that I had never met me before, welcomed me into their home,talked, laughed, and ENJOYED my company (seemed to anyway:). With no ulterior motive. These people are just people that are putting out real thoughts and ideas and being creative and funny and frustrated and baring emotions on a level that I couldn't even imagine doing 6 months ago. And I love it. I love that Twitter and my blog are places that I can just be me. And I read in so many places from so many people that we can be so terrified to write things that our families or friends might see. (I said the same thing about Facebook when I found out my friend's mom is now my friend) But why is that? Doesn't anyone think it's odd that we would hide our true feelings from the people that we know the most? Should the things we are writing be a complete shock to those we spend most of our time with? Or have we all been conditioned that there is a certain way to behave and that the only place that we have the freedom to be ourselves is the Internet? And that we want to keep THOSE people separate from THESE people. I am no stranger to this feeling.

I have spent the past 26 years of my life trying to fit into a mold to please other people. And I was miserable. The real me would make guest appearances; blurting out inappropriate things and LOUDLY voicing my opinion, but would then get shamed into getting back in line. Well... FUCK THAT. I realized the people that needed me to fit into a certain mold are no longer in my life. And the biggest person that I gave up? My mom. And people have strong opinions about mothers and daughters and forgiveness and what not, and there was the fear that I shouldn't write about the issues and current state of affaris with my mother. But that wouldn't be honest. The way I gave my mother up? Wasn't even really me giving her up. She gave me up. BOOM. DONE. She's damaging, always has been. I was myself. I stood up for myself and did what I needed to do to take care of me. And my mother? The person that is supposed to be there through thick and thin? Through hell and high water? Dumped me. Told me that she doesn't want to see me. Because I wouldn't do exactly as she told. It is obviously more complicated than that, but the point is, my mother, told me that she doesn't want to see me anymore for not falling in line. And you know what? I've made peace with that.

Bottom line is that (and this might sound VERY strange) I have finally found a way to be. It took going to this one little meet up party to get over the hump of "Oh my god, I have made a mistake. I must reform to the mold!" to the much more pleasant side of "I TOTALLY made the right decision to be me." It took taking a chance, going to a party where I was going to know NO ONE. I had talked to one person through Twitter direct message. But I went. Because I knew the things that I posted were ME and that if someone was going to invite me because they liked the things I wrote, then that was the greatest thing ever. Because really? There were no expectations. They hadn't met me through work and were then shocked when we went out that I can drink too much and laugh too loud and TALK. A LOT. And you know what? I had FUN. It was weird to talk about the next day because the reaction from people I know that I went to a party with people I met "online" and had never met to them was, well...unbelievable. And maybe that's something that I need to change.

I can completely appreciate wanting to keep personal and professional separate. I set up my friend's blog for him under a new email address so that he wouldn't ever have to worry about work finding it. I think that everyone needs to make it work for them Some people have careers and families and credibility that could be affected by the things they write online. All I know is what works for me right now is to write this website and my tweets like no one reads them but me.

This is my life

This is just an example of a conversation that I have everyday with one customer or another.

Me: Hello, how ar....
Customer: Just Looking!
Me: I was just saying hi
Customer: Just Looking!
Me: Ok then.

Ten Minutes Later-

Me: Still just looking?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Ok, all tops are 25% off.
Customer: Wait what? ALL the tops?
Me: Yes.
Customer: So this top here? Is 25% off?
Me: Yes.
Customer: So this top that's marked down? Is 25% off?
Me: Yes.
Customer: Really?
Me: YES.
Customer: Off the markdown price?
Me: YES!
Customer: I still don't like it.
Me: Fuck you then.

Ok, I really don't say fuck you. But man, oh man, I wish I could.

Climbing up on the roof. Yo.

I was attempting to clean my apartment on a beautiful day. I have four windows in my studio apartment. Soooo, I decided to climb onto the roof. To see the view. And to take a picture. And to be able to say that I did something other than go to Carissa's to watch Big Love.

Irrational? I think not...

I am paranoid about break-ins. Not like a push-in or someone crow barring my door because I live in a relatively safe building. (Relatively because of the neighborhood. And everyone in my building is super-nice. And I could totally take any of them if they attempted to break in.) No, I am afraid that someone is going to climb up my fire escape and go through my bathroom window. Which is why I close my bathroom door at night and place a pot on the concrete floor in front of said door. To alert me if I happen to sleep through someone bashing the glass or when lifting the 200lb window that shrieks if I so much THINK about opening it. My neighbor suggesting (mockingly I might add) that I put little old lady figurines on the windowsill that will fall when the window is forced open. Gotta tell ya, I thought it was a great idea.

So that doesn't seem too bad, right? Because people CAN climb up fire escapes and break windows? The real paranoia comes in when I am afraid to sleep with the window on the opposite side of the apartment open. Because someone could get in. If they put a 20 foot ladder against my window. Which would clearly not draw any attention. Or wake me.

I do realize how it may sound to people who are not afraid of break-in. When speaking to a trained professional about my paranoia, his first question was, "Well, how is anyone going to get up there?" My response? "EVER HEAR OF LADDERS????" Obviously not the calmest response ever. And then he breaks out the portable keyboard and starts adding NOTES. Which always leads to a DISCUSSION. So I felt the need to cut this topic off at the knees.

"Yeah, it's not so bad when there's snow on the ground. Not really worried bout the ladder then. It would slide around on all that ice. But come Spring when I want to have the windows open you'll laugh if you drive by and see me hanging out the window, apply Crisco to the ledge under my window."

He laughs and I laugh, while I make a mental note to stock up on Crisco next time I'm at the grocery store.

I can't help it

If you are seriously going to walk up to me and say 'How much is this (item)? There is a bunch hanging up under the $9.99 sign.' Can I really be blamed for firing back with 'Well gosh! I don't know! I think it might be $9.99!'
And if you try it on and throw it on the counter unzipped and unbuttoned, looking like something you left on the bathroom floor? I am not zipping or buttoning it for you.

Offensive? Or Just Funny?

This may be offensive to some people, but really it just goes to show you how I just really don't have a brain-to-mouth filter going on.

Setting: Pulling into the Target parking lot. Carissa is driving. We are commenting on how we have been in the same spot for a few minutes because of the circus otherwise known as "people just can't handle backing out of their parking spots." Then when the way is finally clear, two people walk in front of us. But they are doing that sideways long-ass cut across the parking lot in a diagonal fashion that takes even longer. The one man is walking pretty fast away from the other man, who appears to be dragging his feet and eating popcorn and obviously distracted by the headlights. I then see that he is "challenged" and muse out loud, "Wow, that man is really not keeping an eye on his retard. He is totally not looking where he is going."

Musings

I wonder if when you decide to move to an artsy town someone sits you down and instructs you on how to be a complete pompous douchebag?

Musings

I wonder if people drive a certain way intending to cause accidents? Like the morons that shoot halfway into the lane I'm driving in and then stop. And the roads are icey so I have to slam on my breaks and they are looking at me while they are stopped? And stare? Like they aren't blocking the lane? And just when I come to a complete stop, they take off.

The thing is? If they just went? I wouldn't be worried that I was about to die. EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY HOUSE.

Bad Boss

LaVonda was just sitting there minding her own business and said, "I have to go to the bathroom."

And I screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE I JUST CLEANED IT!!!!!!"

Maybe I am not the level-headed boss I think I am?

Musing

I don't feel I should have to be nice to a woman (after I have explained 8 times that she is in a plus size womens clothing store and that's why the clothes don't fit her)and she continues to try on clothes, and asking for my opinion.

Lady? They are too Fucking Big. Get out.

Dear Laundry Mat employee

Your full body sigh does not deter from the fact that the washing machine I put my clothes in does not have any water flowing in it. The faster you move, the faster I will stop yelling.

Dear Walmart cashier

Thank you for being so put out when I ask for my bag of merchandise THAT I JUST PURCHASED. It must have been really hard to spin that Lazy Susan your bags are on instead of just HANDING ME my candle.

Check out new earrings

My new earrings that go with my awesome new hair.

Musings

Would it be wrong to tape a note to the dryer that says:

"Thank you to whoever took my damp clothes out of the dryer and folded them. And put them on top of the disgusting washing machine. And an extra-special thank you for paying particular attention to my underwear and laying each one of them out so smoothly. I now have to rewash EVERYTHING.

Love,
Michelle"

Do you think that would alienate my neighbors?

Thud!

Imagine Carissa walking, talking, and gesturing wildly with her hands and right as she yells the word 'Blow Job' walks smack dab into the wall.

Dear customers

I am trying to get some very important thoughts into my journal. Please stop bothering me.

Musing

I am thinking that if you are so fucking scared that someone is going to steal your credit card number (so much so that actually voice your concern to the person ringing you up) that you should probably pay cash.

Just a thought.

Bad Boss

One day Julie, Bill, and I were sitting around at work wishing that we had coffee. There was certainly enough of us there that one of us could have gone and gotten it. BUT, we were lazy and Carissa was supposed to be in to work at 2:30 and it was already 1:45. I wanted coffee sooner than that so I picked up the phone and called Carissa and asked why she wasn't already at work? She said she wasn't in until 2:30. I said, no, that's tomorrow, today was 1:30.

The intake of breath she took practically sucked me through the phone. She frantically promised that she was on her way and oh-so-sorry, she really thought it was today. And when she was good and panicked, I said, "Oh Carissa? You really were scheduled at 2:30. But since you're all worked up and ready to go, could you come in now anyway? And stop and get us coffee on the way in?"

Dear old lady at CVS

Who the fuck writes a check at CVS?

Musings

How do you know when your therapist is flirting with you?

Dear Subaru Driver

Dear Subaru Driver,

Perhaps if you weren't driving like such a pansy, people would stop cutting you off.

I really feel your hand gestures are unwarranted.

THAT Day

Phone rings. It's Carissa. (It really could have only been her or D.)

Carissa: "So, yeah, I'm kinda tired. Can we watch a movie tomorrow?"

Me: "Well, my jewelry didn't come today either so this day might as well be a wash."

Carissa: "Oh my god! Yeah! You fell in the snow and almost broke your back, our boss came in unexpectedly and fought with you, you missed the inauguration, you said your therapy appointment felt like a waste of time and the room smelled bad. AND your jewelry didn't come. This was a REALLY sucky day for you, huh?" (Her high pitched giggling inserted here please) (and that is no offense to her, my laugh can feel like a board to a face if I find something really funny)

Me: "I have to go, when you replay it for me like that, I feel the need to off myself."

Carissa: "Maybe your jewelry will come tomorrow."

Survey SAYS.....

Jonathan Eunice @ http://twitter.com/jonathaneunice tagged me to answer 40 (39?) one word answers. I think this will be difficult because my humor is in the rambling. Well, here goes!

1. Where is your cell phone? Bed
2. Your significant other? Sigh....
3. Your hair? Espresso
4. Your mother? Damaging
5. Your father? Absent
6. Your favorite thing? Camera
7. Your dream last night? Vivid
8. Your favorite drink? Margarita
9. Your dream/goal? Self-employment
10. What room you are in? Studio
11. Your hobby? Photography
12. Your fear? Abandonment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Better
14. Where were you last night? Gym
16. Muffins? LemonPoppyseed
17. Wish list item? Rebel
18. Where you grew up? Fort Lauderdale
19. Last thing you did? Photos
20. What are you wearing? Sweater
21. Your TV? None
22. Your pets? None
23. Friends? Exhausting
24. Your life? Improving
25. Your mood? Introspective
26. Missing someone? Yes
27. Car? Hybrid
28. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
29. Your favorite store? Target
30. Your summer? Beach
31. Like someone? Yes
32. Your favorite color? None
33. When is the last time you laughed? Today
34. Last time you cried? Dec 19Th
35. Who will resend this? @cagarcia85
36. One place that I go to over and over? Home
37. One person who emails me regularly? Bill
38. My favorite place to eat? Kitchen
39. Why you participated in this survey? jonathaneunice
40. What are you doing tonight? Blogging

Gah! I think my answers would have been much better had I been allowed to elaborate.

Peace Corps?

I am sitting at Carissa's house having a conversation with her father about how I have tried to learn Spanish several times but have not been successful. He suggests that if I have "free time" I should take a few years and join the Peace Corps and go to a third world country, where I would be forced to learn.

My immediate response?

"See, the thing is.......I don't like to be dirty."

Ken Macy

At Hooligans in Fitchburg listening to Ken Macy. Buy his CD's immediately, if not sooner. AMAZING.

My Crazy Friend D

I inform D that I am going to get my hair dyed for the 3rd time in as many days. (Another post about that trauma later) D informs me that he got summoned for jury duty. D, being the punk that he is, says that he would LOVE to get on a jury. I tell him that I have to go. Below details how D's twisted little mind works when he is left to think about the havoc he could wreak on a courtroom. (All in text message form, from D to me) Please note the time in between each text, indicating that D got NO WORK DONE while at work.
Update: If you know D at all, you really have to get the mental image of him in the actual courtroom, and how this is all entirely possible.

9:53:45 am: Would juror #5 please stop laughing at testimony.

9:54:29 am: Would juror #5 please stop getting drunk at lunch.

9:59:07 am: Juror #5 "Kiss my ass"

9:59:23 am: Would juror #5 please put his pants back on.

10:06:55 am: "Juror #5, the point of the testimony isn't to get you off. Please stop stroking your big beautiful cock."

10:13:59 am: "Juror #5, your duties stop at deciding guilt or innocence. Please stop trying to electrocute defendant."

10:24:33 am: "Would juror #5 please stop staring at EVERYONE'S tits"

10:28:35 am: "Juror #5, please stop whistling Jimmy Crack Corn and at least pretend to be paying attention."

10:30:58 am: Juror #5? Has anyone seen juror #5?

10:33:28 am: "Juror #5, please refrain from humping lady liberty moving forward. She's blind for fuck's sake!"

10:36:46 am: "Juror #5, really? No one else brought their dog with them. And your dog is humping lady liberty."

10:43:25 am: Juror#5 "GUILTY!" Judge, "The question was, what do you want for lunch?"

10:45:43 am: "Juror #5, that's a jury box, not a litter box. Please stop pissing in there."

10:49:23 am: "Juror#5, if you had disclosed your mental retardation at the beginning of this trial you would have been excused."

10:50:48 am: "Juror#5 it's been brought to my attention that you're disagreeing with other jurors just to amuse yourself. That's just wrong."

10:54:04 am: "Juror #5, "whore" and "dumb bitch" are NOT appropriate ways to address the defense attorney."

10:55:46 am: "CROTCHBUTTER does not constitute a verdict. In fact I'm not certain it's a real word."

10:59:06 am: "To answer your question #5: NO we aren't there yet and asking every 5 minutes doesn't help.

11:03:00 am: "#5, an innocent verdict does not guarantee you a date with the stripper/defendant.

11:04:46 am: "#5, are you really eating popcorn while listening to a rape testimony?"

11:05:36 am: "That does help to explain the butter on the front of your pants."

11:08:16 am: "Stabbing yourself in the eye with a spoon isn't going to speed things along either, #5."

11:09:48 am: Judge: "Are you drunk again?" Juror #5: "No, still."

11:14:56 am: "#5 that is in fact not an appropriate gesture. Thanks for asking."

11:18:46 am: "#5, this is a legal forum, not a Penthouse forum. Please remove the prostitute from your lap."

11:24:03 am: "#5, the other jurors have requested I give you gas-x and to inform you that bodily functions are NOT funny despite what you think."

11:33:34 am: "#5, playing keep away with the bailiff's gun is an acceptable way to pass time."

11:36:51 am: "#5, humming the theme song from Night Court isn't as helpful as you think."

11:43:49 am: "#5, HUNG jury is not what you think it is!"

11:50:03 am: Judge, "Chanting #5 is #1 is not true or funny."

Not even 5 minutes ago

Me: Good Morning.

Customer: Whatever. I have a return.

The Loofah Story

So I used to live with 2 guys. They were both friends that I had known for over 7 years, and yes, I slept with both of them. Just throwing that out there. That we already had, so when I moved in, there was no mystery, no sexual intrigue causing us to flirt with each other. It's weird to say like 'brother and sister' because the brothers and sisters I know don't do that. At least, not that they are admitting to. But bottom line was, it wasn't weird in a sexual way. It was awful in that they were both DISGUSTING guys and I am a clean girl. I can stand messy just not dirty. And my friends were DIRTY. Food could be left on the coffee table for days, the trash seemed to live in a constant state of overflow, and this is where I talk about the shower.

***Side Note: My friend inherited this house from his grandmother and he was married for a short time. When he got divorced, my other friend and I moved in. We paid rent (and I to this day thought that was BULLSHIT since he owned the house outright but I needed a place to live) and the rent money was supposed to go towards the restoration of the house. The grandmother hadn't updated the house for over 50 years. So the bathroom was pretty gross. Added to this was the fact that Friend that owned the house and Friend's father had ripped the molding around the window off one day to replace it...only the never got around to the replacing part. So, yick.****

So the plumbing in the shower was all kinds of messed up. Like the water would immediately start to build up when you stepped into shower and sllooowwwllly drain as you were in there. Which always left a nice ring of scum around the bathtub. Being the freak that I am, I eventually got it down to a routine. After I showered and would be blow drying my hair, the tub would drain, and I could then use a small stream of water to rinse sides and then a paper towel to clean up any excess. This is important because it showed how much thought I put into the boys not having to step into whatever was washed off my body when they stepped into the shower. Naturally, they could not show this consideration to me. Every time I would open the shower curtain there would be a scream of disgust at HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THE BATHROOM THIS WAY MY GOD! And I would pull one of them out of bed to clean the shower (apparently that made a bitch?) So I finally got to the point where I wouldn't clean the shower after I showered, which really showed no one because they didn't care what they stepped in.

So my solution is to wear flip flops. In my own shower. And Friend that owned the house's ex-wife had left behind a loofah. And they had been divorced for several months at this point and the loofah was still in the shower. I figured he was either lazy or having a really hard time letting go in a creepy way. But I would step into that dirty shower every morning with my flip flops and drop that dirty loofah into that dirty tub and rub it around the drain to loosen up the scum and then rinse it out. I would replace loofah and move on. Well, over the next few weeks, Friend's schedule changed so that we were both getting ready for work at the same time. I would shower and then he would shower while I was getting ready (hair drying, makeup, etc) And one day he got into the shower and I returned to the bathroom. He then poked his head out from behind the curtain and sang "Someones been using my loofah!"

Road Rage

So people are generally annoying, yes? There are times when you are walking and someone who is walking in front of you just stops short and you PLOW into them because you were not aware that they were stopped? And then they look at you like YOU are the asshole for crashing into them when they are the ones that stopped short? And you want to be like "hey pal, take a pill or something, that was your fault?" Most of the time I just come back to work or home and share my stories of "oh my god you will not BELIEVE what just happened to me!" and it's funny.

BUT!

There are times when people's stupidity can actually put me in jeopardy. And those are those times I see red and you do not want to be on the receiving end of my RED.

The day before, I was driving to an appointment with the guy that helps me work out all my crazy. I see there is an ambulance and I pull over. There is a car right behind it flying along the very icy roads and I don't think too much of it. Maybe "Oh, that's sad." because I've ridden behind ambulances before and it's not fun. But apparently this guy was just a dick in a hurry to get to the grocery store. As I started to drive off he was still booking ahead behind ambulance. When out of nowhere! He slams on his breaks. And stops his car. In the middle of the road. I have anti-lock brakes so whenever I slam on my brakes it feels like the car is just going to shatter into a million pieces. So I come within an inch of his bumper (remember! road is icy!) and I had been laying on my horn to be all "Excuse me sir, do you not see my car barreling towards you? could you maybe move over 3 inches?" And when my car finally does stop, this piece o shit turns in his seat and is looking at me like "stupid bitch driver" what with his hands waiving and yelling and his face contorted in a mask of rage.

And all I can think is "really? you think YOU'RE MAD?" Now I look like a normal person, but both my psychologist and I know that isn't true. When I get mad like THIS the guy retelling the story later will be like "Satan came to life in the form of a girl in a cardigan sweater, and she kicked me until she was sure I would need a kidney transplant."

Sorry bout the delay....

So the holidays have left me.....spent. All the things that I normally could see the humor in were replaced with a black cloud that just left me feeling more bitter by the day. The meaner people were, the more I took it personally, even though from 10 years in retail I know I shouldn't. So instead of writing about it, I bottled it up, slept a lot, and was very hard to be around what with all the swearing and general grumpy disposition. I was not looking forward to the holiday party I got roped into having at my small studio apartment, but I sucked it up and had people over. And you know? It was fun. I drank too much and laughed a lot. I am lucky to say that I like 90% of the people I work with and it was nice to have them over.

My friend C mentioned that I have not updated my blog, and since she and D are the only ones that read it, I guess if they noticed I should pick it up again. But feeling uninspired? How do you battle that? Or feeling whatever you post isn't good enough because what if people do start reading it? And they think it sucks? What then? I know that a blog is really a place for you to write out your thoughts and it's YOURS, but I don't know. There are tons of drafts started, maybe I'll revisit those and try to get some funny stuff up before C's brain pops out of her head.