Irrational? I think not...

I am paranoid about break-ins. Not like a push-in or someone crow barring my door because I live in a relatively safe building. (Relatively because of the neighborhood. And everyone in my building is super-nice. And I could totally take any of them if they attempted to break in.) No, I am afraid that someone is going to climb up my fire escape and go through my bathroom window. Which is why I close my bathroom door at night and place a pot on the concrete floor in front of said door. To alert me if I happen to sleep through someone bashing the glass or when lifting the 200lb window that shrieks if I so much THINK about opening it. My neighbor suggesting (mockingly I might add) that I put little old lady figurines on the windowsill that will fall when the window is forced open. Gotta tell ya, I thought it was a great idea.

So that doesn't seem too bad, right? Because people CAN climb up fire escapes and break windows? The real paranoia comes in when I am afraid to sleep with the window on the opposite side of the apartment open. Because someone could get in. If they put a 20 foot ladder against my window. Which would clearly not draw any attention. Or wake me.

I do realize how it may sound to people who are not afraid of break-in. When speaking to a trained professional about my paranoia, his first question was, "Well, how is anyone going to get up there?" My response? "EVER HEAR OF LADDERS????" Obviously not the calmest response ever. And then he breaks out the portable keyboard and starts adding NOTES. Which always leads to a DISCUSSION. So I felt the need to cut this topic off at the knees.

"Yeah, it's not so bad when there's snow on the ground. Not really worried bout the ladder then. It would slide around on all that ice. But come Spring when I want to have the windows open you'll laugh if you drive by and see me hanging out the window, apply Crisco to the ledge under my window."

He laughs and I laugh, while I make a mental note to stock up on Crisco next time I'm at the grocery store.

Bad Boss

LaVonda was just sitting there minding her own business and said, "I have to go to the bathroom."

And I screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE I JUST CLEANED IT!!!!!!"

Maybe I am not the level-headed boss I think I am?

Bad Boss

One day Julie, Bill, and I were sitting around at work wishing that we had coffee. There was certainly enough of us there that one of us could have gone and gotten it. BUT, we were lazy and Carissa was supposed to be in to work at 2:30 and it was already 1:45. I wanted coffee sooner than that so I picked up the phone and called Carissa and asked why she wasn't already at work? She said she wasn't in until 2:30. I said, no, that's tomorrow, today was 1:30.

The intake of breath she took practically sucked me through the phone. She frantically promised that she was on her way and oh-so-sorry, she really thought it was today. And when she was good and panicked, I said, "Oh Carissa? You really were scheduled at 2:30. But since you're all worked up and ready to go, could you come in now anyway? And stop and get us coffee on the way in?"