Bad Boss

LaVonda was just sitting there minding her own business and said, "I have to go to the bathroom."

And I screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE I JUST CLEANED IT!!!!!!"

Maybe I am not the level-headed boss I think I am?

Bad Boss

One day Julie, Bill, and I were sitting around at work wishing that we had coffee. There was certainly enough of us there that one of us could have gone and gotten it. BUT, we were lazy and Carissa was supposed to be in to work at 2:30 and it was already 1:45. I wanted coffee sooner than that so I picked up the phone and called Carissa and asked why she wasn't already at work? She said she wasn't in until 2:30. I said, no, that's tomorrow, today was 1:30.

The intake of breath she took practically sucked me through the phone. She frantically promised that she was on her way and oh-so-sorry, she really thought it was today. And when she was good and panicked, I said, "Oh Carissa? You really were scheduled at 2:30. But since you're all worked up and ready to go, could you come in now anyway? And stop and get us coffee on the way in?"

THAT Day

Phone rings. It's Carissa. (It really could have only been her or D.)

Carissa: "So, yeah, I'm kinda tired. Can we watch a movie tomorrow?"

Me: "Well, my jewelry didn't come today either so this day might as well be a wash."

Carissa: "Oh my god! Yeah! You fell in the snow and almost broke your back, our boss came in unexpectedly and fought with you, you missed the inauguration, you said your therapy appointment felt like a waste of time and the room smelled bad. AND your jewelry didn't come. This was a REALLY sucky day for you, huh?" (Her high pitched giggling inserted here please) (and that is no offense to her, my laugh can feel like a board to a face if I find something really funny)

Me: "I have to go, when you replay it for me like that, I feel the need to off myself."

Carissa: "Maybe your jewelry will come tomorrow."

Peace Corps?

I am sitting at Carissa's house having a conversation with her father about how I have tried to learn Spanish several times but have not been successful. He suggests that if I have "free time" I should take a few years and join the Peace Corps and go to a third world country, where I would be forced to learn.

My immediate response?

"See, the thing is.......I don't like to be dirty."

My Crazy Friend D

I inform D that I am going to get my hair dyed for the 3rd time in as many days. (Another post about that trauma later) D informs me that he got summoned for jury duty. D, being the punk that he is, says that he would LOVE to get on a jury. I tell him that I have to go. Below details how D's twisted little mind works when he is left to think about the havoc he could wreak on a courtroom. (All in text message form, from D to me) Please note the time in between each text, indicating that D got NO WORK DONE while at work.
Update: If you know D at all, you really have to get the mental image of him in the actual courtroom, and how this is all entirely possible.

9:53:45 am: Would juror #5 please stop laughing at testimony.

9:54:29 am: Would juror #5 please stop getting drunk at lunch.

9:59:07 am: Juror #5 "Kiss my ass"

9:59:23 am: Would juror #5 please put his pants back on.

10:06:55 am: "Juror #5, the point of the testimony isn't to get you off. Please stop stroking your big beautiful cock."

10:13:59 am: "Juror #5, your duties stop at deciding guilt or innocence. Please stop trying to electrocute defendant."

10:24:33 am: "Would juror #5 please stop staring at EVERYONE'S tits"

10:28:35 am: "Juror #5, please stop whistling Jimmy Crack Corn and at least pretend to be paying attention."

10:30:58 am: Juror #5? Has anyone seen juror #5?

10:33:28 am: "Juror #5, please refrain from humping lady liberty moving forward. She's blind for fuck's sake!"

10:36:46 am: "Juror #5, really? No one else brought their dog with them. And your dog is humping lady liberty."

10:43:25 am: Juror#5 "GUILTY!" Judge, "The question was, what do you want for lunch?"

10:45:43 am: "Juror #5, that's a jury box, not a litter box. Please stop pissing in there."

10:49:23 am: "Juror#5, if you had disclosed your mental retardation at the beginning of this trial you would have been excused."

10:50:48 am: "Juror#5 it's been brought to my attention that you're disagreeing with other jurors just to amuse yourself. That's just wrong."

10:54:04 am: "Juror #5, "whore" and "dumb bitch" are NOT appropriate ways to address the defense attorney."

10:55:46 am: "CROTCHBUTTER does not constitute a verdict. In fact I'm not certain it's a real word."

10:59:06 am: "To answer your question #5: NO we aren't there yet and asking every 5 minutes doesn't help.

11:03:00 am: "#5, an innocent verdict does not guarantee you a date with the stripper/defendant.

11:04:46 am: "#5, are you really eating popcorn while listening to a rape testimony?"

11:05:36 am: "That does help to explain the butter on the front of your pants."

11:08:16 am: "Stabbing yourself in the eye with a spoon isn't going to speed things along either, #5."

11:09:48 am: Judge: "Are you drunk again?" Juror #5: "No, still."

11:14:56 am: "#5 that is in fact not an appropriate gesture. Thanks for asking."

11:18:46 am: "#5, this is a legal forum, not a Penthouse forum. Please remove the prostitute from your lap."

11:24:03 am: "#5, the other jurors have requested I give you gas-x and to inform you that bodily functions are NOT funny despite what you think."

11:33:34 am: "#5, playing keep away with the bailiff's gun is an acceptable way to pass time."

11:36:51 am: "#5, humming the theme song from Night Court isn't as helpful as you think."

11:43:49 am: "#5, HUNG jury is not what you think it is!"

11:50:03 am: Judge, "Chanting #5 is #1 is not true or funny."

The Loofah Story

So I used to live with 2 guys. They were both friends that I had known for over 7 years, and yes, I slept with both of them. Just throwing that out there. That we already had, so when I moved in, there was no mystery, no sexual intrigue causing us to flirt with each other. It's weird to say like 'brother and sister' because the brothers and sisters I know don't do that. At least, not that they are admitting to. But bottom line was, it wasn't weird in a sexual way. It was awful in that they were both DISGUSTING guys and I am a clean girl. I can stand messy just not dirty. And my friends were DIRTY. Food could be left on the coffee table for days, the trash seemed to live in a constant state of overflow, and this is where I talk about the shower.

***Side Note: My friend inherited this house from his grandmother and he was married for a short time. When he got divorced, my other friend and I moved in. We paid rent (and I to this day thought that was BULLSHIT since he owned the house outright but I needed a place to live) and the rent money was supposed to go towards the restoration of the house. The grandmother hadn't updated the house for over 50 years. So the bathroom was pretty gross. Added to this was the fact that Friend that owned the house and Friend's father had ripped the molding around the window off one day to replace it...only the never got around to the replacing part. So, yick.****

So the plumbing in the shower was all kinds of messed up. Like the water would immediately start to build up when you stepped into shower and sllooowwwllly drain as you were in there. Which always left a nice ring of scum around the bathtub. Being the freak that I am, I eventually got it down to a routine. After I showered and would be blow drying my hair, the tub would drain, and I could then use a small stream of water to rinse sides and then a paper towel to clean up any excess. This is important because it showed how much thought I put into the boys not having to step into whatever was washed off my body when they stepped into the shower. Naturally, they could not show this consideration to me. Every time I would open the shower curtain there would be a scream of disgust at HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THE BATHROOM THIS WAY MY GOD! And I would pull one of them out of bed to clean the shower (apparently that made a bitch?) So I finally got to the point where I wouldn't clean the shower after I showered, which really showed no one because they didn't care what they stepped in.

So my solution is to wear flip flops. In my own shower. And Friend that owned the house's ex-wife had left behind a loofah. And they had been divorced for several months at this point and the loofah was still in the shower. I figured he was either lazy or having a really hard time letting go in a creepy way. But I would step into that dirty shower every morning with my flip flops and drop that dirty loofah into that dirty tub and rub it around the drain to loosen up the scum and then rinse it out. I would replace loofah and move on. Well, over the next few weeks, Friend's schedule changed so that we were both getting ready for work at the same time. I would shower and then he would shower while I was getting ready (hair drying, makeup, etc) And one day he got into the shower and I returned to the bathroom. He then poked his head out from behind the curtain and sang "Someones been using my loofah!"

D

I wish D would get off his llllaaaaazzzzzyyyyy butt and make me laugh already. Since (as he makes very clear) I am not as funny as he is. But you know what is funny? Turning away from the video chat for less than a minute and finding D jerking off when I come back.

Thinking

It's nice to have someone call you just to see if you are ok.

You know who you are and thank you. Really. Thank you.