Musings

I wonder if people drive a certain way intending to cause accidents? Like the morons that shoot halfway into the lane I'm driving in and then stop. And the roads are icey so I have to slam on my breaks and they are looking at me while they are stopped? And stare? Like they aren't blocking the lane? And just when I come to a complete stop, they take off.

The thing is? If they just went? I wouldn't be worried that I was about to die. EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY HOUSE.

Bad Boss

LaVonda was just sitting there minding her own business and said, "I have to go to the bathroom."

And I screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE I JUST CLEANED IT!!!!!!"

Maybe I am not the level-headed boss I think I am?

Musing

I don't feel I should have to be nice to a woman (after I have explained 8 times that she is in a plus size womens clothing store and that's why the clothes don't fit her)and she continues to try on clothes, and asking for my opinion.

Lady? They are too Fucking Big. Get out.

Dear Laundry Mat employee

Your full body sigh does not deter from the fact that the washing machine I put my clothes in does not have any water flowing in it. The faster you move, the faster I will stop yelling.

Dear Walmart cashier

Thank you for being so put out when I ask for my bag of merchandise THAT I JUST PURCHASED. It must have been really hard to spin that Lazy Susan your bags are on instead of just HANDING ME my candle.

Check out new earrings

My new earrings that go with my awesome new hair.

Musings

Would it be wrong to tape a note to the dryer that says:

"Thank you to whoever took my damp clothes out of the dryer and folded them. And put them on top of the disgusting washing machine. And an extra-special thank you for paying particular attention to my underwear and laying each one of them out so smoothly. I now have to rewash EVERYTHING.

Love,
Michelle"

Do you think that would alienate my neighbors?

Thud!

Imagine Carissa walking, talking, and gesturing wildly with her hands and right as she yells the word 'Blow Job' walks smack dab into the wall.

Dear customers

I am trying to get some very important thoughts into my journal. Please stop bothering me.

Musing

I am thinking that if you are so fucking scared that someone is going to steal your credit card number (so much so that actually voice your concern to the person ringing you up) that you should probably pay cash.

Just a thought.

Bad Boss

One day Julie, Bill, and I were sitting around at work wishing that we had coffee. There was certainly enough of us there that one of us could have gone and gotten it. BUT, we were lazy and Carissa was supposed to be in to work at 2:30 and it was already 1:45. I wanted coffee sooner than that so I picked up the phone and called Carissa and asked why she wasn't already at work? She said she wasn't in until 2:30. I said, no, that's tomorrow, today was 1:30.

The intake of breath she took practically sucked me through the phone. She frantically promised that she was on her way and oh-so-sorry, she really thought it was today. And when she was good and panicked, I said, "Oh Carissa? You really were scheduled at 2:30. But since you're all worked up and ready to go, could you come in now anyway? And stop and get us coffee on the way in?"

Dear old lady at CVS

Who the fuck writes a check at CVS?

Musings

How do you know when your therapist is flirting with you?

Dear Subaru Driver

Dear Subaru Driver,

Perhaps if you weren't driving like such a pansy, people would stop cutting you off.

I really feel your hand gestures are unwarranted.

THAT Day

Phone rings. It's Carissa. (It really could have only been her or D.)

Carissa: "So, yeah, I'm kinda tired. Can we watch a movie tomorrow?"

Me: "Well, my jewelry didn't come today either so this day might as well be a wash."

Carissa: "Oh my god! Yeah! You fell in the snow and almost broke your back, our boss came in unexpectedly and fought with you, you missed the inauguration, you said your therapy appointment felt like a waste of time and the room smelled bad. AND your jewelry didn't come. This was a REALLY sucky day for you, huh?" (Her high pitched giggling inserted here please) (and that is no offense to her, my laugh can feel like a board to a face if I find something really funny)

Me: "I have to go, when you replay it for me like that, I feel the need to off myself."

Carissa: "Maybe your jewelry will come tomorrow."

Survey SAYS.....

Jonathan Eunice @ http://twitter.com/jonathaneunice tagged me to answer 40 (39?) one word answers. I think this will be difficult because my humor is in the rambling. Well, here goes!

1. Where is your cell phone? Bed
2. Your significant other? Sigh....
3. Your hair? Espresso
4. Your mother? Damaging
5. Your father? Absent
6. Your favorite thing? Camera
7. Your dream last night? Vivid
8. Your favorite drink? Margarita
9. Your dream/goal? Self-employment
10. What room you are in? Studio
11. Your hobby? Photography
12. Your fear? Abandonment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Better
14. Where were you last night? Gym
16. Muffins? LemonPoppyseed
17. Wish list item? Rebel
18. Where you grew up? Fort Lauderdale
19. Last thing you did? Photos
20. What are you wearing? Sweater
21. Your TV? None
22. Your pets? None
23. Friends? Exhausting
24. Your life? Improving
25. Your mood? Introspective
26. Missing someone? Yes
27. Car? Hybrid
28. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
29. Your favorite store? Target
30. Your summer? Beach
31. Like someone? Yes
32. Your favorite color? None
33. When is the last time you laughed? Today
34. Last time you cried? Dec 19Th
35. Who will resend this? @cagarcia85
36. One place that I go to over and over? Home
37. One person who emails me regularly? Bill
38. My favorite place to eat? Kitchen
39. Why you participated in this survey? jonathaneunice
40. What are you doing tonight? Blogging

Gah! I think my answers would have been much better had I been allowed to elaborate.

Peace Corps?

I am sitting at Carissa's house having a conversation with her father about how I have tried to learn Spanish several times but have not been successful. He suggests that if I have "free time" I should take a few years and join the Peace Corps and go to a third world country, where I would be forced to learn.

My immediate response?

"See, the thing is.......I don't like to be dirty."

Ken Macy

At Hooligans in Fitchburg listening to Ken Macy. Buy his CD's immediately, if not sooner. AMAZING.

My Crazy Friend D

I inform D that I am going to get my hair dyed for the 3rd time in as many days. (Another post about that trauma later) D informs me that he got summoned for jury duty. D, being the punk that he is, says that he would LOVE to get on a jury. I tell him that I have to go. Below details how D's twisted little mind works when he is left to think about the havoc he could wreak on a courtroom. (All in text message form, from D to me) Please note the time in between each text, indicating that D got NO WORK DONE while at work.
Update: If you know D at all, you really have to get the mental image of him in the actual courtroom, and how this is all entirely possible.

9:53:45 am: Would juror #5 please stop laughing at testimony.

9:54:29 am: Would juror #5 please stop getting drunk at lunch.

9:59:07 am: Juror #5 "Kiss my ass"

9:59:23 am: Would juror #5 please put his pants back on.

10:06:55 am: "Juror #5, the point of the testimony isn't to get you off. Please stop stroking your big beautiful cock."

10:13:59 am: "Juror #5, your duties stop at deciding guilt or innocence. Please stop trying to electrocute defendant."

10:24:33 am: "Would juror #5 please stop staring at EVERYONE'S tits"

10:28:35 am: "Juror #5, please stop whistling Jimmy Crack Corn and at least pretend to be paying attention."

10:30:58 am: Juror #5? Has anyone seen juror #5?

10:33:28 am: "Juror #5, please refrain from humping lady liberty moving forward. She's blind for fuck's sake!"

10:36:46 am: "Juror #5, really? No one else brought their dog with them. And your dog is humping lady liberty."

10:43:25 am: Juror#5 "GUILTY!" Judge, "The question was, what do you want for lunch?"

10:45:43 am: "Juror #5, that's a jury box, not a litter box. Please stop pissing in there."

10:49:23 am: "Juror#5, if you had disclosed your mental retardation at the beginning of this trial you would have been excused."

10:50:48 am: "Juror#5 it's been brought to my attention that you're disagreeing with other jurors just to amuse yourself. That's just wrong."

10:54:04 am: "Juror #5, "whore" and "dumb bitch" are NOT appropriate ways to address the defense attorney."

10:55:46 am: "CROTCHBUTTER does not constitute a verdict. In fact I'm not certain it's a real word."

10:59:06 am: "To answer your question #5: NO we aren't there yet and asking every 5 minutes doesn't help.

11:03:00 am: "#5, an innocent verdict does not guarantee you a date with the stripper/defendant.

11:04:46 am: "#5, are you really eating popcorn while listening to a rape testimony?"

11:05:36 am: "That does help to explain the butter on the front of your pants."

11:08:16 am: "Stabbing yourself in the eye with a spoon isn't going to speed things along either, #5."

11:09:48 am: Judge: "Are you drunk again?" Juror #5: "No, still."

11:14:56 am: "#5 that is in fact not an appropriate gesture. Thanks for asking."

11:18:46 am: "#5, this is a legal forum, not a Penthouse forum. Please remove the prostitute from your lap."

11:24:03 am: "#5, the other jurors have requested I give you gas-x and to inform you that bodily functions are NOT funny despite what you think."

11:33:34 am: "#5, playing keep away with the bailiff's gun is an acceptable way to pass time."

11:36:51 am: "#5, humming the theme song from Night Court isn't as helpful as you think."

11:43:49 am: "#5, HUNG jury is not what you think it is!"

11:50:03 am: Judge, "Chanting #5 is #1 is not true or funny."

Not even 5 minutes ago

Me: Good Morning.

Customer: Whatever. I have a return.

The Loofah Story

So I used to live with 2 guys. They were both friends that I had known for over 7 years, and yes, I slept with both of them. Just throwing that out there. That we already had, so when I moved in, there was no mystery, no sexual intrigue causing us to flirt with each other. It's weird to say like 'brother and sister' because the brothers and sisters I know don't do that. At least, not that they are admitting to. But bottom line was, it wasn't weird in a sexual way. It was awful in that they were both DISGUSTING guys and I am a clean girl. I can stand messy just not dirty. And my friends were DIRTY. Food could be left on the coffee table for days, the trash seemed to live in a constant state of overflow, and this is where I talk about the shower.

***Side Note: My friend inherited this house from his grandmother and he was married for a short time. When he got divorced, my other friend and I moved in. We paid rent (and I to this day thought that was BULLSHIT since he owned the house outright but I needed a place to live) and the rent money was supposed to go towards the restoration of the house. The grandmother hadn't updated the house for over 50 years. So the bathroom was pretty gross. Added to this was the fact that Friend that owned the house and Friend's father had ripped the molding around the window off one day to replace it...only the never got around to the replacing part. So, yick.****

So the plumbing in the shower was all kinds of messed up. Like the water would immediately start to build up when you stepped into shower and sllooowwwllly drain as you were in there. Which always left a nice ring of scum around the bathtub. Being the freak that I am, I eventually got it down to a routine. After I showered and would be blow drying my hair, the tub would drain, and I could then use a small stream of water to rinse sides and then a paper towel to clean up any excess. This is important because it showed how much thought I put into the boys not having to step into whatever was washed off my body when they stepped into the shower. Naturally, they could not show this consideration to me. Every time I would open the shower curtain there would be a scream of disgust at HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THE BATHROOM THIS WAY MY GOD! And I would pull one of them out of bed to clean the shower (apparently that made a bitch?) So I finally got to the point where I wouldn't clean the shower after I showered, which really showed no one because they didn't care what they stepped in.

So my solution is to wear flip flops. In my own shower. And Friend that owned the house's ex-wife had left behind a loofah. And they had been divorced for several months at this point and the loofah was still in the shower. I figured he was either lazy or having a really hard time letting go in a creepy way. But I would step into that dirty shower every morning with my flip flops and drop that dirty loofah into that dirty tub and rub it around the drain to loosen up the scum and then rinse it out. I would replace loofah and move on. Well, over the next few weeks, Friend's schedule changed so that we were both getting ready for work at the same time. I would shower and then he would shower while I was getting ready (hair drying, makeup, etc) And one day he got into the shower and I returned to the bathroom. He then poked his head out from behind the curtain and sang "Someones been using my loofah!"

Road Rage

So people are generally annoying, yes? There are times when you are walking and someone who is walking in front of you just stops short and you PLOW into them because you were not aware that they were stopped? And then they look at you like YOU are the asshole for crashing into them when they are the ones that stopped short? And you want to be like "hey pal, take a pill or something, that was your fault?" Most of the time I just come back to work or home and share my stories of "oh my god you will not BELIEVE what just happened to me!" and it's funny.

BUT!

There are times when people's stupidity can actually put me in jeopardy. And those are those times I see red and you do not want to be on the receiving end of my RED.

The day before, I was driving to an appointment with the guy that helps me work out all my crazy. I see there is an ambulance and I pull over. There is a car right behind it flying along the very icy roads and I don't think too much of it. Maybe "Oh, that's sad." because I've ridden behind ambulances before and it's not fun. But apparently this guy was just a dick in a hurry to get to the grocery store. As I started to drive off he was still booking ahead behind ambulance. When out of nowhere! He slams on his breaks. And stops his car. In the middle of the road. I have anti-lock brakes so whenever I slam on my brakes it feels like the car is just going to shatter into a million pieces. So I come within an inch of his bumper (remember! road is icy!) and I had been laying on my horn to be all "Excuse me sir, do you not see my car barreling towards you? could you maybe move over 3 inches?" And when my car finally does stop, this piece o shit turns in his seat and is looking at me like "stupid bitch driver" what with his hands waiving and yelling and his face contorted in a mask of rage.

And all I can think is "really? you think YOU'RE MAD?" Now I look like a normal person, but both my psychologist and I know that isn't true. When I get mad like THIS the guy retelling the story later will be like "Satan came to life in the form of a girl in a cardigan sweater, and she kicked me until she was sure I would need a kidney transplant."

Sorry bout the delay....

So the holidays have left me.....spent. All the things that I normally could see the humor in were replaced with a black cloud that just left me feeling more bitter by the day. The meaner people were, the more I took it personally, even though from 10 years in retail I know I shouldn't. So instead of writing about it, I bottled it up, slept a lot, and was very hard to be around what with all the swearing and general grumpy disposition. I was not looking forward to the holiday party I got roped into having at my small studio apartment, but I sucked it up and had people over. And you know? It was fun. I drank too much and laughed a lot. I am lucky to say that I like 90% of the people I work with and it was nice to have them over.

My friend C mentioned that I have not updated my blog, and since she and D are the only ones that read it, I guess if they noticed I should pick it up again. But feeling uninspired? How do you battle that? Or feeling whatever you post isn't good enough because what if people do start reading it? And they think it sucks? What then? I know that a blog is really a place for you to write out your thoughts and it's YOURS, but I don't know. There are tons of drafts started, maybe I'll revisit those and try to get some funny stuff up before C's brain pops out of her head.