Bra Wars

I'm home from work and all I desperately want to do is take my bra off but when you're in the throes of moving you have people coming over constantly to look at furniture they have no intention actually buying but they've been emailing you back and forth ALL DAY about exactly when they plan on not coming and you can't really not wear a bra when there are strangers coming over where else do you keep your box cutter so I'm home and I have a sweater on that I had a shirt on underneath and already took the undershirt off but the sweater is low cut and it's all HELLO PLAID BRA DID YOU WANT TO SEE MY PLAID BRA and I put a scarf on and am generally wondering if it wouldn't be easier to burn the dresser in the fire pit outside except that would involve MOVING THE DRESSER which I am selling specifically so I don't have to move the dresser because that fucker is heavy and I don't like to lift heavy things.

Job Perks

You know, I specifically didn't have kids so I wouldn't have to clean up another persons shit.

I don't know why you thought screaming would help

As I was leaving work last night a woman was storming around screaming that we were all incompetent because of things that are not on sale that she wanted to be on sale but we would not ring up on sale for her.


Naturally.


I'm sure you don't have any other pent up issues that need working out lady.

It's alllll us.

But thank you for screaming and asking for my name and TELLING ME STRAIGHT TO MY FACE that you will be calling the corporate office to get me in trouble.

You are a great person. I'm so glad there were 2 other supervisors and a pharmacist that witnessed your temper tantrum so I sincerely doubt I'll be in trouble.

Really, I applaud the effort you are willing to put into getting a total stranger into trouble because you could not scream your way into getting what you want and certainly were not entitled to.***

***To be clear, something she brought up was not marked as a clearance item, she dragged me to the home location, screaming that we had incompetent workers, and IT WAS THE LAW that we give it to her, and when we got over there, there was no clearance sign anywhere near the other 10 same items on the shelf. At which point I thought, hey, she might feel stupid, so in my approaching a dog that clearly has rabies voice, I said "Sometimes people put things in the wrong spot and I'm sorry it's confusing...." TO WHICH she whipped around and said yelled "WELL MAYBE IF YOUR EMPLOYEES FACED THE STORE THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN."

Hippie Hypocrite

I actually admired the clearly crunchy granola, coupon clipper, hemp bag using, dreadlocks having hippie for being so environmentally conscious. I was actually berating myself on my way through the parking lot. Then I look up and see her climbing into a YELLOW HUMMER.  I couldn't help but yell YOU FUCKING HUMMER DRIVING HIPPIE HYPOCRITE!!!

Anger Management

You know you have anger issues when you get aggressive with a pregnant lady over 13 cents.

New Apartment-Empty

Lovely counter

Bright living room that was immediately covered with curtains. 

See how bright? How could we watch tv?

The living room has a door, that never closes, but am oddly delighted to have.

Amazing raging river behind the house.

Laundry! In the basement! That only I use!

Lots of doors, going to the backyard....

Not my bedroom.

My bedroom. No radiator, thank goodness.

Kitchen nook. 

Backyard, that we have sat in once.

Obsessive Compulsive

I can spend whole days off thinking that my whole life will be put in order if I just put the couch on the other wall! OF COURSE! That is what has been missing!

Suck It Sunday

I have not been this sick in years. I'm around people a lot more now so my chances of being infected are significantly higher. I got the flu shot for the first time this year and I am one of those crazies that now believe it is evil and I won't ever get one again. I was so looking forward to this season, my first at my new job, loving the fall, but things have kind of turned to shit. On top of all my personal problems, feeling sick just amplifies them. I slept yesterday from 10am to about 7am the next day. Today I've just been roaming from bed to couch to bed to couch, whining the whole time. I think of all the stuff I have to get done but every time I stand up I get dizzy and have the lay back down. That might have more to do with my "liberal intake" of cough medicine than my sickness but WHATEVER.

Think Twice

I don't know what possessed that sales lady to put her hand in my hair so she could tell me it was nice, but after her arm heals she'll think twice before doing THAT again.

Dreams of dangling pitt bulls danced in my head

So right this second, right this very moment, at 6:58 am on August 30th, I awoke from a dream where I had a pitt bull dangling from my elbow. That I was carrying around and asking who it belonged to.
From what I can remember as the dream is now fading, I was outside at some sort of market when this lady walking a light brown pitt bull said 'Oh god! Someone new! Hide her!' To which I immediately climbed a series of pipes (at an outdoor market no less!) and wrapped my arms and legs around those pipes like I was starring in a Mission Impossible movie. *For the record that particular move would be Mission Impossible since I barely have the upper body strength to pick up my cat since he's gotten so chubby.
So there I am dangling from pipes in an outdoor market when suddenly I turn and I am face to face with the light brown pitt bull. There are suddenly steps made of bales of hay under the pipes I am dangling from in the outdoor market. The dog looks nice and I think 'Awww, why was I dangli....' when the little fucker reaches out and latches onto my elbow.
NEXT THING YA KNOW, we are in what appears to be a fancy restaurant. The dog now dangling from my elbow isn't aggressive, Hell, it's not even heavy. I keep walking through asking EVERYONE if this is their dog and they all keep turning away. Finally I went up to some girl and said 'JUST YANK IT OFF!! I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES THE WHOLE ELBOW!'
She had to yank really hard and when she finally got the dangler off, my elbow had teeth marks all around it and I was bleeding! Badly! All I had in my purse was a receipt and I asked a waiter for a napkin and he yelled " AREN'T YOU GOING TO BUY ANYTHING FIRST?!?!"
Then I woke up to pee. The end. Well, I'm going to call my therapist, so certainly not the end of THIS little story.

Army Crawl

I wonder how many of you have army crawled to your window to shut it because you heard the neighbors kid and knew you lacked the self control to not lean out the window to tell that childs mother that the first time she has taken him out all summer should not be on a rainy day and PS meth-head, smoking under my open window is one thing but I wonder what child protective services will think of story hour on the swing set while mom's auditioning for the role of an after school special of how EXACTLY you don't want your life to turn out.

Random

I hate summer. I hate the heat and the bugs and the amount of skin that people feel the need to show. I hate the way people smell bad and stand too close. I hate how pissed off people get because they're hot.

I hate how I'm supposed to love summer. I live in New England and it's cold most of the year and people wait for summer like I wait for dinner to be over so I can ask for dessert. I try to stay inside with the A/C on and wait for fall. I wish I could love summer but all it does it make me uncomfortable. I love sweaters and scarves and hot tea. I love the feeling of cold air in my lungs. I'm going out to buy a patio set today that is on sale not to sit outside now, but in a few months when it's actually pleasant to be outside.

On sale?

Is this jacket on sale?

No, sorry, it's not.

But THIS jacket is on sale?

Yes, that one is.

But this one's not?

NO.

Well, I would buy this jacket but it's not on sale.

Ok.

Are you SURE it's not on sale?

Do you think I'm lying?

What?

Do YOU think I'm lying? That the jacket is on sale and I'm keeping it a secret?

You don't have to be so rude!

I'm not trying to be, but you're asking me over and over again if the same jacket is on sale. I was just trying to put an end to this ridiculous conversation. (ok, that was rude.)

Cashier Observations

I am so tired of seeing leathery, wrinkled cleavage of women buying cigarettes.

Someone has to do it

Sometimes it comes down to the fact that there is no one else to ring the register. So I do, because it's an amazingly appropriate use of my talents and salary. It's fine, and I say FINE like a 16 yr-old sorority brat picking up her new BMW and they don't have it in Cherry Red like she wanted, but it's FINE that they only have it in Flame Red. But her daddy will be calling in the morning.

Drunk

Sometimes I think I'm more selective about the product I put in my hair than the penis's I put in my mouth.

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Things I have had to apologize for lately--Volume 1

I'm sorry that I sighed a little when you told me you had the change for 88 cents and you started to count it out in pennies.

I'm so sorry YOU brought up the wrong item that isn't the one on sale. It's not like there are fucking sale signs or anything.

I'm sorry you are don't understand the concept of shutting the fuck up and PAY ATTENTION TO THE CUSTOMER IN FRONT OF YOU, but I am your new boss so you can suck it.

I'm sorry that I made you wait in your turn in line when you tried to cut and I saw and said SHE WAS NEXT. That was "extremely rude" of me.

I'm sorry that you passed along a customer service issue to me and when you criticized how I handled it I informed you if you pass shit on to me you don't have a say in what I do.

I'm sorry that same issue you passed along to me that you couldn't handle while the woman was screaming took me ten minutes to handle and we were laughing hysterically by the end of it and she was totally happy. That must be the part you don't agree with.

I'm sorry you are so offended that we had to verify who you were before we let you take home your medication. We totally suck.

I'm sorry that I can't give you anymore information about the $10 prepaid cell phone you are AGONIZING over whether or not to buy, but really, it's been like 45 minutes.

I am sorry I don't share the same hatred with you about THE MAN WHO HIRED ME, but trust me, there are plenty of other people I hate. Like you.

I'm sorry you are so smart and so intelligent that the only way you can make yourself feel like that is to try and make me feel like you are smarter and more intelligent than me.

I'm sorry you will never be successful at that.

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