Think Twice

I don't know what possessed that sales lady to put her hand in my hair so she could tell me it was nice, but after her arm heals she'll think twice before doing THAT again.

Dreams of dangling pitt bulls danced in my head

So right this second, right this very moment, at 6:58 am on August 30th, I awoke from a dream where I had a pitt bull dangling from my elbow. That I was carrying around and asking who it belonged to.
From what I can remember as the dream is now fading, I was outside at some sort of market when this lady walking a light brown pitt bull said 'Oh god! Someone new! Hide her!' To which I immediately climbed a series of pipes (at an outdoor market no less!) and wrapped my arms and legs around those pipes like I was starring in a Mission Impossible movie. *For the record that particular move would be Mission Impossible since I barely have the upper body strength to pick up my cat since he's gotten so chubby.
So there I am dangling from pipes in an outdoor market when suddenly I turn and I am face to face with the light brown pitt bull. There are suddenly steps made of bales of hay under the pipes I am dangling from in the outdoor market. The dog looks nice and I think 'Awww, why was I dangli....' when the little fucker reaches out and latches onto my elbow.
NEXT THING YA KNOW, we are in what appears to be a fancy restaurant. The dog now dangling from my elbow isn't aggressive, Hell, it's not even heavy. I keep walking through asking EVERYONE if this is their dog and they all keep turning away. Finally I went up to some girl and said 'JUST YANK IT OFF!! I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES THE WHOLE ELBOW!'
She had to yank really hard and when she finally got the dangler off, my elbow had teeth marks all around it and I was bleeding! Badly! All I had in my purse was a receipt and I asked a waiter for a napkin and he yelled " AREN'T YOU GOING TO BUY ANYTHING FIRST?!?!"
Then I woke up to pee. The end. Well, I'm going to call my therapist, so certainly not the end of THIS little story.

Army Crawl

I wonder how many of you have army crawled to your window to shut it because you heard the neighbors kid and knew you lacked the self control to not lean out the window to tell that childs mother that the first time she has taken him out all summer should not be on a rainy day and PS meth-head, smoking under my open window is one thing but I wonder what child protective services will think of story hour on the swing set while mom's auditioning for the role of an after school special of how EXACTLY you don't want your life to turn out.

Random

I hate summer. I hate the heat and the bugs and the amount of skin that people feel the need to show. I hate the way people smell bad and stand too close. I hate how pissed off people get because they're hot.

I hate how I'm supposed to love summer. I live in New England and it's cold most of the year and people wait for summer like I wait for dinner to be over so I can ask for dessert. I try to stay inside with the A/C on and wait for fall. I wish I could love summer but all it does it make me uncomfortable. I love sweaters and scarves and hot tea. I love the feeling of cold air in my lungs. I'm going out to buy a patio set today that is on sale not to sit outside now, but in a few months when it's actually pleasant to be outside.

On sale?

Is this jacket on sale?

No, sorry, it's not.

But THIS jacket is on sale?

Yes, that one is.

But this one's not?

NO.

Well, I would buy this jacket but it's not on sale.

Ok.

Are you SURE it's not on sale?

Do you think I'm lying?

What?

Do YOU think I'm lying? That the jacket is on sale and I'm keeping it a secret?

You don't have to be so rude!

I'm not trying to be, but you're asking me over and over again if the same jacket is on sale. I was just trying to put an end to this ridiculous conversation. (ok, that was rude.)

Cashier Observations

I am so tired of seeing leathery, wrinkled cleavage of women buying cigarettes.

Someone has to do it

Sometimes it comes down to the fact that there is no one else to ring the register. So I do, because it's an amazingly appropriate use of my talents and salary. It's fine, and I say FINE like a 16 yr-old sorority brat picking up her new BMW and they don't have it in Cherry Red like she wanted, but it's FINE that they only have it in Flame Red. But her daddy will be calling in the morning.